True Blood – S3 Premiere: Bad Blood

I know its not a popular opinion to have, what with all the undying vampire craze of late, but as far as I’m concerned the entire series should be renamed ‘Bad Blood’ — emphasis on the bad. Having just spent my entire Sunday watching the “30 Greatest Episodes of Buffy” Marathon on LOGO (ahem, yeah), the transition of switching on True Blood at the end of the night was bordering on painful. I know people love it but I blame its popularity on the same thrill you get from cheap weed or free food or reality TV: it satisfies the senses so who cares if its low quality? Well, clearly I do, but it kills me to dislike it so much because I can’t understand why it must be so! It’s an Alan Ball show, isn’t it? He wrote American Beauty — one of the greatest screenplays ever written — and trying to reconcile this show with that script boggles my mind. It’s not that I dislike campy humor either (I am queen of the B-movie over here), but the series continues to take itself too seriously and with too little humor to pull off the camp that I suspect its going for. I nearly rammed my head into the brick wall in my bedroom last season watching those Maryann orgies and listening to Tara’s obnoxious southern accent. I must admit, though, I absolutely loved Jessica and Hoyt! Great characters! Along with Eric and Godric, those were the best dramatic choices of last season.

But, there’s that cheap weed again: we’ve got Aleksander Sarksgard in wifebeaters, Ryan Kwanten shirtless and Anna Paquin in low-cut summer dresses and daisy dukes… and that’s just when they’re semi-clothed and not fucking each other. Sex and violence are on top of the list as far as sensory-fulfillment goes, and boy does True Blood take it to another level. I’m not knocking it, sex and blood are very very cool, but they do not a great show make.

So, moving on to last night’s episode, I must say it wasn’t too bad. They kept the annoying characters at a relative minimum, and while the rising conflict wasn’t exactly heart-stopping, I’m a sucker (hehe) for the struggling serial drama and I’m going to always give it the benefit of the doubt. Let’s recap what happened here:

  • We waited all year to find out that “The FUCK YOU Crew” kidnapped, Bill. More rednecks. Just what we needed.
  • Tara decides to make no-sense arguments (yet again) against Arlene and then attacks her best friend Sookie because, contrary to popular belief, Maryann was not the only reason she was such a flagrant and violent bitch last season.
  • Jessica feels remorse after killing the trucker and discovers she can feel Bill calling her, but her and Hoyt make up, which I am very happy about.
  • Andy to Jason: “Conscience off, dick on, and everything is going to be alright…” Sigh. What’s amazing is that the conflict created by Jason shooting Eggs (oh God, that name!) was nothing compared to Andy’s dumbass decision to cover it up. WHY? I don’t care about people that are plain stupid and get themselves into ridiculous problems unless I’m watching Curb Your Enthusiasm, okay?
  • Eric has been, ahem, “indisposed” with the new Fangtasia dancer for “the last six hours”. Just the thought of it is enough to distract anyone away from Sookie’s entire line of questioning. Mind you he’s standing there stark and deliciously naked. See what I mean? Free food.
  • Arlene is pregnant with Terry’s child, which would be cuter if I cared more about them in the first place.
  • Sam drinking Bill’s blood leads to homoerotic-naked-shower-dream-sequence and, uh… I’m… I’m sorry did it just get hot in here?
  • Psycho Tara and Psycho Momma together again with Baby Jesus. Let’s hope they stay with the Lord and far away from my TV screen. Doubtful what with the suicide attempt I’m sure she’ll be surviving next week. Ugh.
  • And the overacting award of the century goes to… Evan Rachel Wood. If she touches her hair one more time without actually touching it I might need to buy her a can of Aquanet. Does she really look like she can take Eric on, by the way? That whole conflict with the V sales does nothing for me since the only impending threat is the Queen killing Eric.
  • Jason Stackhouse and the Veterinarian Chicks starring in “Pussy Overflow”. Oh man, that scene at the bar definitely brought on the chuckles! He plays stupid so well sometimes I wonder if he’s really that dumb, because it might just be that he’s a genius.
  • Bill Compton begun to win me over with what he did for that old woman — what can I say, I have a soft spot for the elderly.
  • Sam finds his parents. Do you think they will be Shapeshifters as well? As far as I can tell, this “supernatural” thing doesn’t appear to be genetic considering that no one else in Sookie’s family had her abilities. Perhaps Shapeshifters are different, though. I hope something really interesting goes on in the Mickens household next week because I’m a Sam fan and he needs some substance in his life.

Final scene: Werewolves. Of course. It was only a matter of time before this show took that route. The writing community is aware of the hundreds of other mythical creatures they could be using, right? Unicorns? Dragons? Centaurs? I’d rather run into a killer pack of lawn gnomes at this point than another werewolf!



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