True Blood – 3×09: The True Face…

If you follow my Mad Men reviews you may have read that I did not watch this week’s True Blood in the privacy of my own home but at the local “True Blood Junkie Bar” in the East Village (NYC) amist many-a hardcore fan. I mean these people were intense. Clapping and hooting just for the HBO guy announcing the episode’s commencement. You can imagine the extensive eye-rolling and not-so-discreet commentary coming from my end of the bar (i.e. “Okay, really?? It’s not that serious.“) For about the first 35 minutes of the episode I was paying more attention to the contents of my $3 Heineken than the contents on-screen. I couldn’t even begin to tell you what happened between Jason and that white-trash-hoe-bag he’s been rolling with. Fuck that. If it wasn’t for the amazing Jessica/Hoyt as well as Lafayette/Jesus action that we got from the get-go, it’s possible I would have chugged and left.

"Everything ends, even the immortal." (HBO)

Then, suddenly, those Jessica/Hoyt and Lafayette/Jesus scenes began to inter-cut with the Fangtasia storyline involving Eric, Pam, and the American Vampire League representitive (whose name escapes me at the moment). Just like that — with the exception of Bill crossing over into Fairyland and Jason just… existing — the episode got good… like real good. So good that I watched the end again just now and laughed and gasped all the way over here to WordPress. Let’s totally discuss this one! Only three episodes left, funny how much nothing can happen before you finally get to the juicy stuff at the end, eh? No bullet points this time. I’m giving it a legit post.

Jessica and Hoyt

They struck gold with these two actors playing them, like fah realz yo. I can’t believe I’m going to say this about any character on this show but, there’s just something really honest about their relationship, and better yet, their break-up! Mind you, they dated for a week. Literally. But in their case I’m willing to suspend my disbelief a bit and say that shit like that happens. People fall in love and quickly realize the obstacles in their path and end it before its really begun… all the time. Right? Anyway, that scene at Merlotte’s where the two try to be amicable while Hoyt is on his date and Jessica gets snippy with him only to realize she’s wrong and then becomes adorably apologetic… absolutely charming. Of course, FAIL when the fangs come out. That just made her even more vulnerable and relateable somehow — I completely forgot she was killing people every other night until after the episode ended. We all know that feeling of trying to ‘keep it cool’ and having to hide our intense feelings, especially in front of someone we’re interested in (Hoyt) or, worse, someone we resent (Summer). Unfortunately for Jessica, the vampire baby, controlling all her new-fanged emotions isn’t so easy. Later, when Summer steps away to the bathroom and Jessica sits with Hoyt, she honestly tries to play the ‘Just Friends’ card and kind of does a good job at it too, until Hoyt admits that he hates Summer and that it just kept him busy enough so he didn’t have to think about Jessica all day. And then they both laugh (: I hope he takes her back so she can finally open up to someone about her “killer nights” and regain some control. She’s so alone the poor thing.

Lafayette and Jesus

Despite the lack of conflict, for now I’m just happy watching these two fall so in love with each other. Finally my little Lafayette got what I’ve always thought he deserved. Jesus in that cheesy flower robe and Lafayette kissing his tattoo. The two laying bed together. Lafayette’s mother, Ruby Jean, seeing his mask finally come off, all because of that Puerto Rican nurse of hers. Her reaction was classic:

“Maybe God does love fags.”

I know, I’m being such a mushy girl about this! Sorry. Well, now for the bad news: from a writer’s perspective its making me really scared to see the two so happy because bliss like this never lasts. Not on film, and certainly not in Bon Temps. I feel like one of them might die this season simply because they have both opened up so completely to one another that only a very shocking and sudden external conflict could bring them enough trouble to keep it interesting, and what better external conflict in that Louisiana town than some vampire killings, eh? They’re just too happy.

Jason and Stupid Hungry Hoe

[Please delete this from your memory. Here’s some help: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymSEibHKOgo#t=22s]

Sookie and Bill

Bill and Sookie in 'Psycho VI' (HBO)

The most minor main characters in HBO history. They fuck, they shower, they fuck, they hide dead bodies, they dream about creepy fairy tales fantasy worlds, who cares? Sookie learns that her father had a “sixth sense” as per old newspaper clippings and, later, that her cousin’s son has got the same telepathic gift. So it runs in the family, big surprise there, blah blahblah. Bill talks to that magical dream woman: Clementine (?). Nothing more for them.

Just want to clarify something that I don’t think I’ve said yet: We are all in agreement that the reason why Bill isn’t burning up in the light is because he’s drank so much of Sookie’s blood and that it has the magical quality to protect vampires from sunlight, right? This, therefore, being the the reason why Russell and Eric and all these other vampire freaks are so obsessed with her… they want the ultimate power: to kill and live without restriction, without weakness. Well, Bill claims to know what she is, so lets see if either one of us got it right. Fairy with magical vamp-SPF blood? Yes.

Arlene and Terry

No surprise here considering that I actually broke down what would happen with Arlene and the pregnancy last week: She freaks out that her baby has “killer blood” and decides to abort it. Still confused as to why she says that when the baby is born Terry will be “blown to smithereens“? Is that suppose to be some metaphor for her being a “time bomb”? If so it’s kind of stupid. Either way I’m going to lose mad respect for her if she does this. Does she really think that being a serial killer is inherited? I swear, these hicks sometimes…

Tara and the (brief) return of Franklin

I actually kind of felt bad for her at that rape survival group, but it wasn’t so much Tara that got to me, it was the story that the weirdo new Merlotte’s waitress, Holly, told about her inability to trust people after what happened to her. Tara’s crying scene wasn’t full of screaming and hysterics for once, so the silent and lonely tears that came down her face gave her character a little more dignity than the usual show she puts on. Also, her happiness for Lafayette and Jesus seemed very genuine and I hope it means that she can heal instead of throwing that endless pity party for herself.

Then there was Franklin who had his brains splattered all over Russell’s linens last we heard (as per Talbot last week), yet somehow he survived? Of course they’ll never explain how he survived without anyone at the mansion knowing about it for days. Dumb. For a moment there I thought he would actually kill Tara considering how she seemed to have almost come to peace with things throughout the episode. That’s so typical of a character right before they kill them off… but alas. Also, I really wish it had been Sam who had shot and killed Franklin and not re-re-Jason.

Sam Merlotte

I guess everyone reiterating how much people walk all over him all season finally built up, eh? According to Timmy it was Arlene and everyone else at Merlotte’s. Earlier in the season he was accused of letting his waitresses come in whenever they wanted. but of course its actually Timmy whose walking all over him — and here I thought Sam would finally have a friend. When Sam beat the shit out of Stupid Hungry Hoe’s dad, I was freaking elated. I joined the rest of those fangbanging fans at the bar yelling “Oh shit!” and may have even let out a “hoot”. He beat the man to a bloody pulp and popped a few shirt buttons. Hot!

Eric, Pam, the Vampire Authority and Russell

First things first, even in a J-Lo velour track suit, Pam is the baddest bitch on True Blood. She’s the only character on the show whose Buffy counterpart is not cooler (i.e. Drusilla). Secondly, did anyone else laugh out loud at Russell’s Urn-of-Talbot-Blood? Mind you I was trying to repress that opening scene where Russell crawls around in Talbot-Chunky-Soup but… he actually salvaged it and packed it into a glass urn? Gagggggg!

I’ve been begging for it, you know I have: bring us the social and political ramifications of a world where vampires run free! They’ve failed at actually dealing with the very premise of the show so miserably that I never thought they would actually get back to it having gotten wrapped up in the sex, violence, and pseudo-campiness of it all. Yet here were are with talks of Kings, Queens, Vampire Feds, Authorities, Constitutional Amendments, and live television news broadcasts. What? There’s a vampire world outside of the frequent customers and staff of Merlotte’s?! WHO KNEW!?

I am the true face of vampires! (HBO)

Best choice ever: having Eric tell the Authority the whole truth and them in turn dubbing him as their new 007 mercenary on a covert black ops mission to kill Russel. +++ How will he do it? As Eric says himself, he’s only 1/3 of Russell’s age. I think he’s going to need a little help from his friends! Perhaps a little Sookie blood for Eric to help him drag Russell out into the sunlight, weaken him and kick his ass there. Considering my track record, don’t be surprised if this really goes down in the finale. Shit. SPOILER WARNING?

And now for one of the coolest TV closing monologues ever from, yours truly, the King of Mississippi:

Did I help you decide America? Do NOT turn off the camera!! You’ve seen how quickly I can kill. Ladies and gentleman, my name is Russel Edgington and I’ve been a vampire for nearly 3000 years. Now the American Vampire League wishes to perpetrate the notion that we are just like you and, I suppose, in a few small ways we are: we are narcissists, we can’t leave without getting what we want, no matter what the costs, just like you … Torture and genocide, that’s a small price to pay for your SUVs and your flat screen TVs … Futile, symbols of permanence to quell your quivering, spineless souls. But no, in the end, we are nothing like you. We are [laughs] immortal. Because we drink the true blood. Blood that is living, organic, and human. And that, is the truth the AVL wishes to conceal from you because, lets face it, eating people is a tough sell these days. So they put on their friendly faces to pass their beloved VRA, but make no mistake, MINE IS THE TRUE FACE OF VAMPIRES! Why would we seek equal rights? You… are not… our… equals. We will eat you, after we eat your children! [Smile] Now time for the weather. Tiffany?

Oh yeah… it’s going down, my friends. I’m looking forward Sunday. Equally as much, I’m looking forward to three Sundays from now (when it’s all over).