True Blood – 3×10: “Blah Blah Vampire Emergency Blah…” Indeed.

This week I’m blogging True Blood first simply because there is so little to say that I might as well say it now and say it quickly.

What. A. Train. Wreck. As a brilliant yet eccentric man, who told a different kind of “Southern Gothic” story once referenced:

“It is a tale. Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing.”

(Actually, that’s Shakespeare’s Macbeth but William Faulkner made it sound cooler.) From the second the episode started I knew already, and told my friend, this was going to be baaaaaad. I believe more and more everyday what I read in all the screenwriting guides, interviews, books, and blogs piling up in my bedroom and RSS feed: if the opening scene sucks, the rest is probably going to suck, too. Sure enough… Opening line:

Sookie: “I’m a fairy? How fuckin’ lame!”

Bon Temps stupidity diagnosis: It was all that pixie dust (Disney)

First off all, that has to be one of the most epically ridiculous ways to reveal a major plot point in the history of television. Did any of you hardcore fans feel let down or even insulted at how they did this? I imagine that if I gave a fuck about the show I’d be livid. In fact it was so shocking that it felt out of context — like the return from a commercial break on General Hospital (nothing against that show by the way, just saying). This made me go back to the end of last week’s episode because I thought perhaps they had said it then but I had missed it. Alas, no.

And I yet again have to bring up the absurd over-usage of the word “fuck(ing)” to make everything that’s not funny OR shocking appear to be so. STOP IT. WRITE SOMETHING GOOD AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO USE IT. TRY IT.

Continuing on the snooze-fest of the opener:  the lack of chemistry between Sookie and Bill when they have to actually communicate verbally is incredible. Compare it to a scene between Sookie and Eric simply greeting each other and the proof is in the gooky dead vampire pudding. That monologue about loving her mind and heart and soul… like, really? Not that he didn’t mean it, because I know he loves her, but why anyone thinks these two are uniquely romantic is beyond me. Why the writers continue to use such hokey lines and confessions which have been said over and over since the beginning of fictional romance is astonishing. This is HBO! We learn nothing about the actual fairies except that they “rape people” and then, the last line before we [finally] cut to the the best part of every episode was Bill’s supposedly surprise announcement that the faeries think vampires are going to kill them all. Yeah, didn’t Claudine, the Fairy Godmomma, pretty much say this THREE episode’s ago when we first met her?? Not exactly a cliffhanging revelation, Bill!

Tinkerbell, redux (HBO)

As for the rest of the episode, I’m sorry I just couldn’t handle it. I was going in and out of consciousness from sheer boredom and today I refuse to do anything more than fast forward through a few scenes before writing this. So we’re back to bullet points this week. I’d like to point out there hasn’t yet been TWO continuously good episodes of True Blood this season.

  • Sam Merlotte decides to channel James “Sawyer” Ford and (1) con people, (2) do it with a woman, (3) get conned himself by that woman, (4) accidentally shoot the wrong person, and (5) walk around shirtless.
  • Almost nothing on Vampire politics and the AVL except one amazingly relaxed newscast referencing Russell’s on-camera spine-tingling extravaganza and Nan saying WOOPS.
  • Jason and Tara make out? WHAT???? Hahahahaha. What was that kissing even for? These two haven’t been on screen together since the first episode of the season! Why? Why would anyone watching care about them kissing? I swear this is painful to even think about. Also, Jason hasn’t thought of or even mentioned Eggs or what he did in SEVEN episodes… because he’s a superficial and vapid sonofabitch. As soon as he got to fucking Hungry Blonde Hoe it was Eggs-Who. This goes for both Jason and the writers: You can’t just forget things happened and bring them back and expect people to care again, particularly when no one cared in the first place since you are so void of any significant or lasting emotion.
  • P.S. Note to Tara: He really isn’t pretending that he’s too dumb to know better. Believe me. Well, then again look who I’m talking to. I guess you’ve got a different standard.
  • Eric writes out his last will and testament and gives everything to Pam. We wasted an entire episode on Eric announcing that he’s going to die in 54629 different (yet still not unique) ways when that’s obviously not going to happen. At least Alexander Skarsgard has the gift of making a a mediocre line somewhat enjoyable:
  • Eric (to stripper): “I promised you a job and good sex. That’s all!”

  • Ewwwwwww! Sam’s little brother is such a creeper with Jessica! He’s like a 12 year old perv. “Don’t cover ’em up. [Your fangs] are fuckin’ hot.” GAG! That piece of garbage attacked Hoyt! As Sam put it:
  • “It’s not respect when your employees think you’re a psychopath… You’re an idiot.”

  • I still think the actress who plays Hoyt’s new girlfriend, Summer, is very funny. Disposable character (who isn’t) but a good actress:
  • “I can tell you’re a sexual person Hoyt Thortenberry. And if that’s what it takes well then…”

  • Jesus is… “The Shaman in the Sunday Hat”. I’m a little confused at how he’s all about trying the V suddenly, when we saw him flip out on Lafayette when he discovered that he dealt the stuff but I guess I can see how someone would be more upset if you sold drugs than if you did them…? I guess. The Virgen de Guadalupe doing the macarena was LOL worthy but the rest of that acid trip — WTF? I got dizzy, then I fell asleep. It was like a really bad Inception parody: shared consciousness fail.
  • I’m glad Arlene told told Terry about the baby in this episode. It would have been dragged out too long if she kept hiding it from him and trying to abort it behind her back, so I can say that I’m surprised that they didn’t fuck that up as they tend to do so often with other storylines on True Blood. 1 out of 16 ain’t bad.
  • How did Sookie have no reaction to Tara’s revelation that Bill didn’t lift a finger to save her from Franklin back at Russell’s mansion? HELLO. There wasn’t even a flinch of guilt. A normal person would feel like shit and apologize on their behalf if their best friend told them this, wouldn’t they? Sookie only seemed… sympathetic.
  • I know this is a dream… When will I stop dreaming about you?” Plus, more fake Sookie and Eric kissing. Stupid.
  • Until they actually kiss. Hot but still not enough.
  • Eric chooses a human over himself. Ah yes, I remember soulless Spike sacrificing himself for Buffy, too. Wish this hadn’t already been done on television before.
  • You think anyone in specific burnt that cross in front of Bill’s home? Oh, that’s right… no one cares.
  • Jessica and Hoyt: I said last week that she needed him because she needs someone to tell what she’s been doing to. In this episode she finally told Hoyt that she’d been up to bad things and he implied that he understood and didn’t care, so I’m looking forward to her Hoyt-induced rehab. (If whatever Jason scene has come before hasn’t put me to sleep already, of course.)
  • Bill is uninvited by Jason. [Snoreeee]
  • Crystal is a shapeshifter (?) [Zzzzzzzzz]
  • Russell sleeps with a Talbot look alike, talks the crazy, and kills him. [COMA]

It ends with Sookie and Eric. She chains her up down in the same carousel of dreams which Lafayette got locked up in at the end of S1. He’s doing it to save her from Russell. He’s not giving her to him. They’ll surely try and make us think that by him taking her to Russell it means he’s going to, but… its clear what’s actually going to happen. It was clear even LAST week when I said this regarding Eric’s new mission:

“How will he do it? As Eric says himself, he’s only 1/3 of Russell’s age. I think he’s going to need a little help from his friends! Perhaps a little Sookie blood for Eric to help him drag Russell out into the sunlight, weaken him and kick his ass there.”

Could this show be anymore predictable?!?

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One Comment

  1. dwizardz
    Posted August 24, 2010 at 4:40 am | Permalink | Reply

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