Category Archives: Gone, Not Forgetten

The Hiatus Is Over — We’re back!

Why hello again, all!  ::hides:: It’s been a while, I know. Please forgive! Such is life and such are the priorities that every now and then we’ve got to reevaluate them, and so my actual writing took precedence over my blogging for a while.  The truth is, it still does, but it may be possible that I’ve uncovered a way to fit my love for discussing serialized television with all you fine people (yes, all three of you) into my surprisingly busy little schedule.  Now — just because I haven’t been writing doesn’t mean I haven’t been watching. Oh no no, not at all. In light of this, here’s a taste of what I’ve been up to lately and my thoughts:

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Dexter – 5×02: Retcon the Kids?

It’s been almost five days since the episode aired so I won’t even attempt at an in-depth review. This will be brief and mainly focusing one one little factor: Astor and Cody gone? Just like that?

Dexter tries to find his next victim’s next victim (Showtime)

Whoa… this was a major major cop out if they stay away. Dexter’s known them for FOUR years and he’s been more of a father to them than that other biological scumbag ever was! They barely know their grandmother (which by the way is a different actress!) and I don’t recall there having been a grandfather ever in the picture. So, double retcon? The simple fact the writers would go as far as retconning the grandparents into existence makes me suspect that perhaps Astor and Cody are truly gone forever…

I don’t watch promos or trailers so I speak from a completely virgin place — and please no spoilers — but I thought this season would be about Dexter finally gaining some stability and the larger challenge of having inherited a family with no mother which would leave much less time for work (and I’m not talking about being a Blood Analyst). I thought this would at last force him to make a real choice instead of splitting all his time up, now with Rita gone. Sure, he’s got Harrison but he’ll probably just find him a babysitter and randomly pop in at night to put him to bed. LAME.

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Dexter – 5×01: Guilty as Charged

She had a big heart. Big enough for both of us. It had to be. I wasn’t even human before I met her.” – Dexter

Goodbye, I'm Sorry. (Showtime)

After a somewhat disappointing premiere week (Bones – meh; Boardwalk Empire – good but not great yet; The Event – suckage; House – whatever) the return of Dexter last night finally got me feeling the September buzz!

The season opener finds Dexter Morgan in a sea of guilt and confusion over his wife Rita’s unjust murder by whom we all assume to be last year’s Trinity Killer, Arthur Mitchell. But he’s not drowning, he’s slowly rowing along and further away in that disconnected way Dexter does. The guilt comes from the fact that, as Dex puts it:

This would have never happened if I had just killed Trinity from the beginning.

Touché! But Dexter’s guilt looks different from the average person’s. Sort of. He appears to be more shocked more than sorrowful, which can happen to the average “human”, but it was the lack of emotion that stood out here.  Of course there was the typical dose of self-punishment we expect from the guilt-ridden with Dexter’s choice to separate himself from Cody and Astor – thinking he is not good enough for them and that he deserves to be alone – but what was most shocking was his sloppiness. Ironically, the one time that he didn’t kill the victim, the police are starting to believe that he did. He tells the police “it was me”, he evades the FBI, he acts guilty, he doesn’t come up with extravegant but believable lies… all very atypical for Dexter.

Dexter looks on from the human side (Showtime)

But the audience recognizes this change as Dexter finally suffering. If he were okay about things he’d still be functioning like the killer he is and covering up his tracks and anything that could lead to him as a suspect. Of course, he didn’t kill Rita, but he does know who did and has a relationship with the Trinity’s family, and so I wonder if this season of Dexter will have Dexter taking a more laissez faire approach and, out of his own guilt, allowing the police/FBI investigate freely without any interference from him… because he deserves it? This would be a fascinating twist and would add a new depth to Dexter’s character. One of more self-recognition other than the usual “I’m not normal” or “I’m a monster”.

Although Dexter has always been aware of his “Dark Passenger” he has never expressed any belief that he should be punished for the people that he killed. The only thing he’s ever felt badly for is having to lie to the people he loves as a result. But now his Dark Passenger has cost him his wife. It’s true that if he hadn’t made himself so vulnerable to Trinity, because he had “learn more from him“, and then actively crusaded to kill him, Rita would be alive. Or would she?

Does anyone else think that “Trinity did it” is easier said than proven? I could be way off here but, what if Elliot, the adulterous neighbor, did it? What if Dexter at some point found out that it wasn’t Trinity after all? He’d supposedly be absolved of his guilt but at the same time he’d have suffered and contemplated his choice to be a killer because, after all, it is a choice.

Dexter kills in cold blood! (Showtime)

And speaking of being a killer – Dexter killed a non-killer! That hick in the public bathroom was the worst kind of dickhead imaginable and its even very possible that he had killed before, but Dexter didn’t know that… and he murdered him in cold blood. I was so incredibly shocked when Dexter smashed his face in with that anchor-hook! Was anyone else? Even more shocking was that the imaginary ghost of his father, Harry,  approved and near-congratulated Dexter for it! Isn’t this against the code?!?! As the great Omar from The Wire used to say “Every man’s gotta have a code.” If Dexter loses that, he’s no better than any of the other serial killer pieces of garbage that he’s killed. Five years ago, Dexter successfully got us cheering on a serial killer, which not an easy task, but the biggest factor in this was not even Dexter’s hidden heart of gold, but his code. He was a vigilante, not too different from the Batman we’ve idolized for decades, so without a code, what is Dexter?

Eventually he breaks down. AN ABSOLUTE FIRST! He yells and weeps and screams and smashes the ground, which was so heartbreaking considering what he’d just done in that bathroom and all he’d just been through. After everything Dexter thinks he is, it’s always him whose been the last to know that he’s a caring and loving person. He’s insisted for years that his family and friends don’t know who he really is because they don’t know what he’s done but I know that’s not true and I think we all do. Do you think that people who don’t know your biggest secret don’t know you at all? And if you’ve never told anyone your biggest secret does that mean no one knows you? I sure hope not. I think we all want Dexter to see that he actually does have a heart and that “humanity” isn’t so black and white. It’s not too late to find that out and to stop thinking of his role as father/brother/friend/co-worker as the mask he wears to hide the killer inside. Who he is to his friends and family is who he is  — and the fact that he’s a serial killer is just a part of him the way that being addicted to Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream and Brooklyn Lager before bed is for me. As sinful as I know it is, it doesn’t define me as a person even if no one knew it until now, and even though its probably important that I give it up. Dexter’s got a similar lesson to learn, except with, you know… bodies and murder and stuff.

What’s next this season? Whose going to be the Big Bad? As per my own “code”, I don’t watch any previews or sneak peeks so I’m totally in the dark but I’m so intrigued since I think there might be a very significant change taking place inside Dexter — it must for the show to conclude one day. Like I say about Don Draper (Mad Men), our protagonist doesn’t have to eradicate all his inner demons by the series conclusion, he simply has to try and to learn something along the way even if its not enough. Even if he never makes it out triumphant, we must see the journey and we see the failure… but you can’t fail if you don’t try. Dexter has been trying, but not enough, and so I hope this season will be the moment to break through.


As you may may know, I’m not particularly a fan of most of the supporting characters on the show and I find that to be its greatest weakness so I won’t be discussing them very much, but, for what its worth…

  • Does Debra have to sleep with everyone?? Every season she’s ripping someone’s clothes off or falling in love with someone else. She’s both slutty and a relationship addict. And then she’s always crying about it. She is the Tara (True Blood) or Dexter.
  • LaGuerta’s reasoning for not wanting to investigate Rita’s murder was stupid — not wanting to ruin her wedding day? I thought it was going to be something more benevolent than that like not wanting their feelings to get in the way of the investigation or something.
  • If anyone saw The Expendables last month, you may understand why its impossible to watch Batista (played by former OZ star, David Zayas) considering he should win every Razzie under the sun for that performance.
  • How beyond inappropriate is Matsuka’s opening joke about imagining “Rita naked but not like this” at the crime scene? That wasn’t even funny, it was totally unlikeable and really cut the tension of the scene for which there was no need since the episode had just started. Also, he’s the one who originally jumped to the possibility that Dexter may have done this when he spills the beans about Rita and the neighbor’s kiss and Dex’s knowledge of it. Aren’t these people his friends?
  • Quinn is the new Sargent Doakes, but why do we need another Sargent Doakes? I mean, seriously he’s the same exact character isn’t he? Only difference being that Doakes was smart enough not to put his penis between that used-up spot between Deb’s legs!
  • I always liked Rita. She was the one supporting character I enjoyed coming back to. The only one ever… and now she’s gone. Goodbye Rita. We all know that no one will ever replace you and that Dexter may very well be alone for a long time. Please come back frequently in flashbacks and dreams! (Not likely unless Julie Benz’ No Ordinary Family gets canceled.)

Next week, Single Daddy Dexter! Will Deb really take over as surrogate mother? Ugh, I pray to a world of NO.

True Blood – 3×12: Bloody Farewell

I knew very early on in season 3 that there was a more than likely chance that this would be my last year as a True Blood viewer. I get asked all the time by both fans and non-fans, why, if I dislike True Blood so much, do I even watch it? I think it upsets the fans more than the haters that I do. It must a defense thing on their part since I’m pretty much actively insulting this magical world which they are so obsessed with on the regular (and that’s fascinating about a show like TB, which like most serials, is uber conducive to obsessive personalities — guilty as charged).

Oh hai, hunk. (Joe Manganiello as Alcide)

My reasons for watching True Blood are many: there are characters I absolutely love (i.e. Jessica, Hoyt, Lafayette), its a serialized show and I blog about serials, my favorite television series of all time was the original vampire drama (i.e Buffy the Vampire Slayer) so I like to compare, Alexander Skarsgard and Joe Manganiello make me weak at the knees, etc. I’ve also mentioned here how I watch the show as a writer because its a fun project in my head pointing out what went wrong in the writing to make a storyline so flawed, as this in turn reveals to me which mistakes not to make in my own writing.

But anyway, it looks like the time has come to say goodbye to True Blood, the show I love to hate. I very seriously opened up my heart and my mind to True Blood every week; you can go back and read any of my reviews to know that I never just went into an episode so prejudiced that I couldn’t enjoy it. In fact, I’m so proud of my continued objectivity in each episode despite its consistent shortcomings, that all in all it was as important for me to watch TB this year as it was to watch Mad Men or LOST. Most weeks may not have been exciting enough to truly entertain me, but there were a couple of very good episodes, with the highlight being “9 Crimes” 3×04. (I’m also still a big fan of Russell’s live television broadcast at the end of “Everything is Broken” 3×09). Nonetheless, fuck this show. It just sucks. I can’t deal.

So without further ado, here is my final review for HBO’s True Blood:

Jason Stackhouse+Emaciated Crystal Meth Head vs. Killer Hicks?

If I’m saving the best for last, I think its only fitting I start the worst for first. WHOA was this a fucking mistake or what?!? As the episodes went on and on I couldn’t believe this entire storyline. I’ve never ever EVER been so bored watching a “conflict” unfold in my life. It was like watching paint dry — without the fun fumes or pretty colors. Let’s recap what happened here:

  • Jason flips out over killing an innocent Eggs and proceeding to cover it up
  • He starts hallucinating out of guilt, suddenly decides that becoming a cop will absolve him of his sins (and actually does magically cease to feel guilty!)
  • He Meets an inbred redneck anorexic rocks-for-brains crystal meth dealing Werepanther (hahaha) whom he falls in love at first sight with through no understandable reason which I could surmise.
  • For some reason involving the Meth which I’m still fuzzy about, her rapist family tries to kill her… or him… or both of them, unsuccessfully.
  • Finally something about her little community of Werepanthers and V sales goes down (it wasn’t crystal meth afterall??) where the DEA gets involved and goes to raid them except Jason helps them all pretty much get away. Did I even get that right?

My lack of interest in this was so intense I can’t even recall the events and I have serious trouble believing that anyone watching this show was sitting at the edge of their seat waiting to see what would happen here. Needless to say, this could have been a story about Weresquirrels smuggling magical acorns through the Lousiana swamps and Jason’s dreams of becoming a Park Ranger saving them from extinction and it wouldn’t A) make a damn bit of difference, B) surprise me. 

Sam vs. Kill Tommy

Sam has been one of my absolute favorite characters since the beginning, and that’s saying a lot considering how much I dislike the show because without him I wouldn’t have been able to get through season 1. As bored as I was with his storyline this season, I can at least say that they kept Sam consistent in his character, which I continue to enjoy. Why? He’s a good person but a boring person. He’s intelligent and self-made where everyone else is just a southern hick with no ambitions or education. He cares about everyone in his community and then-some. He’s lonely when he should have every woman at his feet, except no one in Bon Temps is smart enough to see it. He’s hot. He doesn’t exploit his supernatural gift or let it define him. The idea of having sweet, lonely, heart-of-gold Sam seek out his birth family this season was a great idea that went horribly wrong, however. All we ended up getting were more stupid hicks to surround Sam with: the last thing we wanted to see.

  • Seeks out his parents
  • Finds out that they are shapeshifters too
  • Finds out that they are broke and alcoholic
  • Gets stalked by them in an attempt to extort money from him
  • Finds out that they are “using” his brother, Tommy’s, gift to make money in dog fighting rings
  • Takes Tommy in, kicks his parents out
  • Finds out that Tommy is (no surprise here) as disgusting of a human being as the people who raised him — and annoying as hell to boot!
  • Kicks Tommy out
  • Gets robbed by him
  • Shoots him (or something…)

Yeah… either the bullet never hit Tommy, it hit him but only wounded him, or it killed him. Do any of these possibilities make you want to watch the show next year? I really want to understand how events like this could ever be enough to make people want to come back for more. The brother was a moron that no one wanted to see again — good riddance! And if he is dead then what? Sam is going to be next season’s Jason Stackhouse? The redundancy and lack of creativity here never ceases to amaze.

Lafayette+Jesus vs Killer V

Unlike Sam, Lafayette became one of my favorite characters later on in the series. I can’t be sure if his character actually changed or if he just grew on me but, nonetheless, I became a fan in season 2. I was oh so very happy to see the writers give him a legitimately decent love interest this season in Jesus. What with the disaster of Jason’s designated significant other, Jesus was a blessing. He was funny, he wore his heart on his sleeve, he made tortured but strong Lafayette smile, he took care of him. In the end, however, we didn’t get much more with them than we had already gotten mid season but I’m more okay with that an empty storyline that’ll never change anything or mean anything at all. Here’s what was up with them:

  • They meet at Lafayette’s mother’s psychiatric institution
  • Jesus makes a little personal call and shows up at Merlotte’s to ask Lafayette out
  • They have instant chemistry which puts a smile on everyone’s face
  • They sleep together, they begin to fall in love
  • They do some V and trip out
  • Lafayette can’t stop hallucinating creepy things and begins to lose his mind
  • He discovers that Jesus is a witch who reveals that the hallucinations are a gift which he’ll help Lafayette use and control

I’ll take what I can get. So long as they don’t kill either one of them off I’m actually very happy. It gets really old when they don’t ever cut the most decent characters a break on a series, and they’ve clearly cut Lafayette one this season so I’ll give it one thumb up for effort and good casting.

Terry/Arlene vs Killer Baby

I enjoy Arlene and you can’t help but want to hug Terry. Their story this year was also quite touching since we saw the two find in each other what they most needed: a family. Here, again, we have two very tortured characters finding a little joy. Unfortunately the child they are expecting is not Terry’s but Renee’s which is a little creepy but not creepy enough since we only saw evil Renee for one episode and then he died. Since I remember Renee being pretty cool its hard for me to feel freaked out like Arlene is. Also… its a freaking baby, dude. Not a clone. All in all:

  • Arlene begins to give Terry a chance
  • Terry begins to open himself up and react warmly towards Arlene’s affections
  • Terry falls madly in love, and Arlene loves him too
  • Arlene discovers she’s pregnant but that its Renee’s and lies to Terry about it
  • Arlene decides she doesn’t want the baby
  • A wiccan waitress from work (say that three times fast!) gives her some magical tea which will decide whether the baby lives or dies
  • Arlene bleeds out the next day, thinking the tea has spoken and she’s miscarried, but its a false alarm
  • Terry is officially the happiest man in the world, Arlene is still nervous

Another “pretty low-conflict yet somehow simultaneously unresolved” storyline. I can’t believe even the good characters get shafted with weak plots. Blahhhh.

Jessica+Hoyt vs. Killer Obese Southern Mother

Swoon. I’ve got a crush on Hoyt in that be-my-boyfriend-not-my-lover way. Jessica is so adorable, she’s the True Blood equivalent of Harmony from Buffy and just as enjoyable. I believe their love more than anyone else’s on this show. In fact I don’t really think anyone else on this show is in love except Lafayette and Jesus. Perhaps Eric with Sookie but not the other way around. And certainly Terry with Arlene but also, unfortunately, not equally reciprocated. The interesting thing about this couple this season is that they were pretty much the only two that started off with a problem, and the season was used to resolve it:

  • Jessica kills an innocent trucker out of hunger
  • The guilt for her uncontrollable evilness causes her to break up with Hoyt
  • Hoyt doesn’t understand anything and is heartbroken
  • Jessica’s dead trucker disappears — later revealed to be stolen by Franklin
  • Hoyt fights with his mother yet again over Jessica and she sets him up with Southern Sunshine, Summer
  • Jessica gets a job at Merlotte’s and continues to feed on humans
  • Jessica learns how to fight better with the help of Bill
  • Hoyt dates Summer to get over Jessica who he sees every time he walks into Merlotte’s
  • The two realize they are madly in love and get back together
  • Jessica confesses what she’s done and that she will continue to feed on human blood… so Hoyt offers his own blood!
  • Hoyt buys a house for the two to live in, which makes them both very happy!
  • Hoyt’s mother buys a gun…

A lot went on in this mini-drama. Plenty of ups and downs; highs and lows. The way it should be! Overall the best-told story this season, in my humble opinion.

Tara vs. Kill Yourself

I was sure Tara would have to die this season, as you may recall. If not because they planned it that way, then because her character had turned into such an incredible steaming pile of shit that there was no way they could continue using her. The damage was done. As the season drew to a close I became even more convinced that she would meet her demise as they made absolutely no attempt in bettering her already miserable situation. In the finale, the writers made it very obvious that she saying goodbye to everyone. But wait was Tara going to kill herself? Suicide is the ultimate cop out! Plus she already tried that this season! There’s no way they are going to have a character go out with such little dignity, right? She cut her hair off, though. A friend of mine mentioned that Luke Wilson’s character did the same thing in The Royal Tannenbaums before he attempted to commit suicide… apparently its a common practice. If so I think its simply a red herring. If I cared more about her survival I’d have more to say but I don’t. In short (ahem, very short), this was Tara’s story this season:

  • She tries to kill herself after Eggs dies and, unfortunately, she fails
  • Lafayette tells her she’s an idiot, and she gets over it
  • She has sex with a man named Franklin
  • Franklin is a vampire who becomes obsessed with her, rapes her, kidnaps her, and attempts to turn her into a vampire
  • She escapes from him but he finds her anyway
  • Jason kills him
  • She finds out the truth about Eggs’ death and it appears to bring her some peace
  • She fucks Sam and learns he’s also a supernatural which upsets her
  • She finds out her mother is sleeping with a married Reverend
  • She cuts all her hair off and says goodbye to everyone she knows and drives off

Yawnnnnnnnn. Seriously, just throw yourself into the river. It’s fine. I’ll forgive you.

Sookie/Bill /Eric vs. Killer Russell

The meat and potatoes of the show right? Pfffft, as if. If I were to make a pie graph dividing the season into each of the storylines mentioned in these sections, the Sookie/Bill/Eric/Russell drama would only take up about 30% while the others would be around 10-12%. It might sound like a significant difference to you but when your main characters only take up 1/4 of the screen-time they become just as disposable as any other. I enjoy Eric and Pam, and Russell was kind of fun at times, but the rest of the pack was embarrassing. Talbot and Franklin? WTF?? And of course you know how I feel about that moron Bill. Sookie is only salvaged by the fact that Anna Paquin is a good actress but aside from that I’m done with these people. The final recap:

  • Sookie hesitates at Bill’s marriage proposal, but before you can say “I bloody do” he’s been kidnapped by werewolves
  • He is taken to King Russell’s mansion where he’s given an ultimatum to join Russell or watch Sookie die (still don’t see how this is a unique threat but whatever)
  • Bill accepts the bribe
  • Sookie looks for him like a lunatic, until he tells her to piss off, and even then she continues to look
  • She meets Alcide at some point: a man kinder, smarter, and hotter than, Bill. (Okay really, why would they keep Bill around after this?)
  • Bill senses that Sookie is in danger, he goes to find her, but she defends herself with some magic light
  • She’s captured by Russell’s crew and Bill allows them to do so
  • She escapes with Tara and Alcide and an injured Bill
  • Bill drinks her blood and almost kills her (he can stand out in the light for 10 more seconds than usual too, big woop)
  • They break up because attempted murder is high on the list of reasons to do so
  • Eric kills Talbot, and in a fit of rage, Russell kills an anchorman on national TV to fuck with the AVL’s attempts at Human/Vampire peace (which really had nothing to do with the season anyway) in retaliation
  • Bill and Sookie get back together for the 3423948 time and we find out she’s a “fucking fairy”
  • Eric devises a plan to kill Russell using Sookie’s blood, Bill adhears — it works
  • Bill turns on Eric and attempts to kill him but fails epically as Eric survives and returns to reveal to Sookie that Bill was recruited to trap and exploit her from the beginning
  • She kicks them both out of her house forever and joins her Fairy Godmother
  • Bill attempts to fight and kill Queen Sophie Anne…

First of all, you should have seen my frustration at the absurdity of the episode at this point in the finale, announcing: “WHAT?? Cement doesn’t dry instantly! Is he kidding?!? Is Bill mentally challenged?” I’m still so confused as to how this man could be so stupid. The simple fact that they don’t even bother “explaining” how Eric survived is an admission of Bill’s utterly hysterical and astonishing lack of brain power. The only truly cool part of the whole episode was Bill turning on Eric, but once I saw how he did so, it even ruined that, big surprise. And to top it all off I still have no clue what’s so great about Sookie’s blood. Seriously. Didn’t the entire season prove that her blood is almost useless and the only power she’s got is some repellent light? Sigh.

And did you see the “Alan Ball Thank You” at the end of the episode? That was the smartest thing I saw the entire hour. Alan Ball must wake up every morning thanking his lucky stars that more people care about sex and blood and cheesy dialogue than the ability to use their brains and imaginations. Good call, Alan ball. Your fans deserved that.

Good luck to you all who venture forth in your True Blood fandom. I wish you the best and hope that you get a chance to catch some of the actually decent quality series out on TV right now, too. Personally, I’m losing braincells and there’s nothing more that I can get from the series to make it worth it. See you around! Long live Alcide!

True Blood – 3×11: Sunshine of my life

It’s almost over. The end of the season for True Blood and the beginning of Boardwalk Empire and Dexter. Thank you, September.

Oh no! Sookie's fallen down the well... again. What now?!

It’s taken me a few days to get to this review as I didn’t actually watch the episode until last night. With this whole moving thing, I’m slacking in a big way. So finally, I plop down on my new couch, in my new place, with a mug of tea, in my PJs, lights off. You ever get to the movies so early that by the time the lights go down you have to turn to your friend and ask “Wait, what are we watching again?” Some variation of that is what happened when I pressed play and Bill stormed on to the screen belting that same old “Sook-eh! Sook-eh! Where is Sook-eh?“.

“Oh… yeah… it’s just True Blood. Sigh.”

Bill looking for missing Sookie on this show is the equivalent of Lassie finding out that Timmy is down the well, except in comparison Lassie makes border collies look cooler than vampires. Yawwwwwn.

Before I get to the bullets, I just had to recap this bit of dialogue between Jason and Trashy Hungry Hoe. It’s just too bad to be true:

Jason: It’s like a werewolf. Except… a panther?
Hoe: Yes.  A werepanther… I told you, I had secrets. You said you didn’t care… I thought you’d understand. I thought you’d be a man.
Jason: I am a man. I was ready to sign up for a meth dealer’s daughter.
Hoe: …Oh poor you, all I gotta do is marry my half-brother and let him breed me until I’m old or dead.
Jason: Uh, I gotta go… look for Sookie.

Hahahahaha. Okay, bullets!

  • Who was the bitch that “saved” Sookie down in the Fangtasia basement? One moment Bill is getting silver sprayed in his face and the door is locked. The next, some stripper that looks just like Lisa Nova is unlocking her chains? I missed the leap there.
  • Lafayette is starting to bad trip from all the V he’s done. Is that right? I think Jason did a lot more V in season 1 and this didn’t happen to him so maybe its something else. Don’t feel like trying to figure it out right now. Clearly, neither does Lafayette, which upsets Jesus.
  • Jessica and Hoyt. Reunited and it feels so good! So so soooo good. Here’s why I love these two, together and separately. Jessica tells him the straight up truth, not just about what she’s done but about her true desires, good or bad: drinking human blood. Hoyt in turn doesn’t freak out and have to “think about this” and prolong the bullshit. They love each other, fuck it. When Hoyt offers up his blood they also don’t go through the whole “no, I can’t let you do that for me” little courtesies that just waste precious television time. Jessica doesn’t say a word. She looks at him a bit perplexed, and then with bloodlust in her eyes, goes in for it. I personally find this hotter than any sex scene between Sookie and Bill ever.
  • Eric and Russell’s encounter was a bit odd. Why wouldn’t Russell kill Eric the moment he sensed him standing there? Why even allow him to speak in the first place? It was painfully anti-climactic to see Eric having to offer a gift to Russell after talking about the way his family was slaughtered… even if it was all a trick (?)
  • God, please tell me who cares about some random jock claiming Jason’s football record at Bon Temps High? Is this The O.C.? Friday Night Lights? They spent a good 7+ minutes on this story and the dumbass girlfriend on the sidelines bitching and whining… what in the hell does this have anything to do with a show about vampires and all the other much more important characters? Because the jock is on V? It’s so frustrating!
  • Tara. I still hate her voice and her bug eyes when she overacts, but I’ll admit the few times when she’s good she’s pretty okay. Particularly when she’s not sitting around feeling sorry for herself or screaming like a lunatic. Being that she did neither in this episode, I kind of enjoyed her. Particularly her conversation with Andy at Merlotte’s and later her conversation with Sam. She actually spoke like a normal human being and I hope this to mean that she’s letting go of all her hang-ups. Andy’s apology and confession that Eggs was innocent and turning himself in may have had something to do with it.
  • Sam really flipped his shit! WHOA! Calling Terry a “shell shocked mother fucker” actually stung me. I’ve got such a long time crush on this guy, I can’t let it go.
  • I liked Sookie when she was talking about going back to college and being a rich real estate agent. Anna Paquin is a very good actress, and she’s cute and has a wide range in expressing her emotions, but the redundant situations that True Blood puts her in really limits her. Especially if all she ever does is run, scream, cry, and act like a little a chihuahua with a pitbull complex while some big bad monster is in her face…
  • Arlene tries abortion via… tea? For some reason I didn’t mind this story as much as I thought I would. Probably because the wiccan waitress isn’t as annoying as I suspected she may become, and because Arlene is such a good but funny character. I always wish her the best. While I think this whole “murderous baby” thing is so predictable and silly, I guess considering what she’s been through I can try to understand. Looks like baby Rene is there to stay, though!
  • Tara and Sam have we-are-so-fucked-up-that-we’re-the-same-sex… again. Someone should make a montage of all the times when True Blood has done the talking-in-one-room-cut-to-fucking-and-moaning-in-another-room. It could be a five minute long video. Also was that really a bomb that baby brother was triggering in Sam’s trailer? What?!?!? He’s going to blow them up because he got kicked out? How does that even make sense? I know he’s always been a MORON but we’re leaping to murderer here and… you know what, I’m just going to shut up. Ugh.
  • Breezing right through Hungry Hoe and Jason’s plan to raid some crystal meth lab and save some people we don’t know or care about… if you understood what that was all about, please don’t bother explaining. I don’t care.

So the episode ends in Eric’s plan to weaken Russell which I pretty much figured out three episodes ago when the AVP asked Eric to kill him: Eric would never give up Sookie, so he’d just use her blood on himself to somehow get an advantage on Russell. Here’s where I’m confused though… how did Eric know that Russell would ask Eric to drink the blood first?! Plotholes? Reaching? I think so. Anyway… so Eric does and then he pretends that he’s not burning up at all when he’s actually only burning up a little because the stupid fairy blood wears off after about five seconds which is so POINTLESS to exist in this whole mythology in the first place. Eric’s plan is to kill himself, really? I know he’s ready to die if he has to, but he must have set up some hope for himself waiting in the wings… Obviously he’s not actually going to die, but I hope its not just some random last minute idea that saves him. He MUST have something up his sleeve. Eric isn’t stupid, he wouldn’t just throw himself to the wolves.

S1 Bill was well done but not dead (HBO)

Wait, I’m going back to Godric now: didn’t he burn up faster because he was so much older? Will Russell burn up before Eric does for this reason? Yeah, Godric turned to ash istantly where as season 1 Bill (who is only a couple of hundred years old) took a long long time to begin to burn away, and in the end came back to life just by being buried underground overnight (the first huge cop out of the show!!!). So if Eric is somewhere in between Godric and Bill, but Russell is closer to Godric’s age, then that could be where Eric’s salvation lies. No?

Oh and Sookie is bleeding out inside Fangtasia but Pam won’t help Bill feed her. Oh noooooooo! [insert sarcastic tone here] She’s going to die! What ever will we do? I’m so scared. GASP!

Four more days until the season finale. Mom!!! Are we there yet?!?!?!

True Blood – 3×10: “Blah Blah Vampire Emergency Blah…” Indeed.

This week I’m blogging True Blood first simply because there is so little to say that I might as well say it now and say it quickly.

What. A. Train. Wreck. As a brilliant yet eccentric man, who told a different kind of “Southern Gothic” story once referenced:

“It is a tale. Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing.”

(Actually, that’s Shakespeare’s Macbeth but William Faulkner made it sound cooler.) From the second the episode started I knew already, and told my friend, this was going to be baaaaaad. I believe more and more everyday what I read in all the screenwriting guides, interviews, books, and blogs piling up in my bedroom and RSS feed: if the opening scene sucks, the rest is probably going to suck, too. Sure enough… Opening line:

Sookie: “I’m a fairy? How fuckin’ lame!”

Bon Temps stupidity diagnosis: It was all that pixie dust (Disney)

First off all, that has to be one of the most epically ridiculous ways to reveal a major plot point in the history of television. Did any of you hardcore fans feel let down or even insulted at how they did this? I imagine that if I gave a fuck about the show I’d be livid. In fact it was so shocking that it felt out of context — like the return from a commercial break on General Hospital (nothing against that show by the way, just saying). This made me go back to the end of last week’s episode because I thought perhaps they had said it then but I had missed it. Alas, no.

And I yet again have to bring up the absurd over-usage of the word “fuck(ing)” to make everything that’s not funny OR shocking appear to be so. STOP IT. WRITE SOMETHING GOOD AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO USE IT. TRY IT.

Continuing on the snooze-fest of the opener:  the lack of chemistry between Sookie and Bill when they have to actually communicate verbally is incredible. Compare it to a scene between Sookie and Eric simply greeting each other and the proof is in the gooky dead vampire pudding. That monologue about loving her mind and heart and soul… like, really? Not that he didn’t mean it, because I know he loves her, but why anyone thinks these two are uniquely romantic is beyond me. Why the writers continue to use such hokey lines and confessions which have been said over and over since the beginning of fictional romance is astonishing. This is HBO! We learn nothing about the actual fairies except that they “rape people” and then, the last line before we [finally] cut to the the best part of every episode was Bill’s supposedly surprise announcement that the faeries think vampires are going to kill them all. Yeah, didn’t Claudine, the Fairy Godmomma, pretty much say this THREE episode’s ago when we first met her?? Not exactly a cliffhanging revelation, Bill!

Tinkerbell, redux (HBO)

As for the rest of the episode, I’m sorry I just couldn’t handle it. I was going in and out of consciousness from sheer boredom and today I refuse to do anything more than fast forward through a few scenes before writing this. So we’re back to bullet points this week. I’d like to point out there hasn’t yet been TWO continuously good episodes of True Blood this season.

  • Sam Merlotte decides to channel James “Sawyer” Ford and (1) con people, (2) do it with a woman, (3) get conned himself by that woman, (4) accidentally shoot the wrong person, and (5) walk around shirtless.
  • Almost nothing on Vampire politics and the AVL except one amazingly relaxed newscast referencing Russell’s on-camera spine-tingling extravaganza and Nan saying WOOPS.
  • Jason and Tara make out? WHAT???? Hahahahaha. What was that kissing even for? These two haven’t been on screen together since the first episode of the season! Why? Why would anyone watching care about them kissing? I swear this is painful to even think about. Also, Jason hasn’t thought of or even mentioned Eggs or what he did in SEVEN episodes… because he’s a superficial and vapid sonofabitch. As soon as he got to fucking Hungry Blonde Hoe it was Eggs-Who. This goes for both Jason and the writers: You can’t just forget things happened and bring them back and expect people to care again, particularly when no one cared in the first place since you are so void of any significant or lasting emotion.
  • P.S. Note to Tara: He really isn’t pretending that he’s too dumb to know better. Believe me. Well, then again look who I’m talking to. I guess you’ve got a different standard.
  • Eric writes out his last will and testament and gives everything to Pam. We wasted an entire episode on Eric announcing that he’s going to die in 54629 different (yet still not unique) ways when that’s obviously not going to happen. At least Alexander Skarsgard has the gift of making a a mediocre line somewhat enjoyable:
  • Eric (to stripper): “I promised you a job and good sex. That’s all!”

  • Ewwwwwww! Sam’s little brother is such a creeper with Jessica! He’s like a 12 year old perv. “Don’t cover ’em up. [Your fangs] are fuckin’ hot.” GAG! That piece of garbage attacked Hoyt! As Sam put it:
  • “It’s not respect when your employees think you’re a psychopath… You’re an idiot.”

  • I still think the actress who plays Hoyt’s new girlfriend, Summer, is very funny. Disposable character (who isn’t) but a good actress:
  • “I can tell you’re a sexual person Hoyt Thortenberry. And if that’s what it takes well then…”

  • Jesus is… “The Shaman in the Sunday Hat”. I’m a little confused at how he’s all about trying the V suddenly, when we saw him flip out on Lafayette when he discovered that he dealt the stuff but I guess I can see how someone would be more upset if you sold drugs than if you did them…? I guess. The Virgen de Guadalupe doing the macarena was LOL worthy but the rest of that acid trip — WTF? I got dizzy, then I fell asleep. It was like a really bad Inception parody: shared consciousness fail.
  • I’m glad Arlene told told Terry about the baby in this episode. It would have been dragged out too long if she kept hiding it from him and trying to abort it behind her back, so I can say that I’m surprised that they didn’t fuck that up as they tend to do so often with other storylines on True Blood. 1 out of 16 ain’t bad.
  • How did Sookie have no reaction to Tara’s revelation that Bill didn’t lift a finger to save her from Franklin back at Russell’s mansion? HELLO. There wasn’t even a flinch of guilt. A normal person would feel like shit and apologize on their behalf if their best friend told them this, wouldn’t they? Sookie only seemed… sympathetic.
  • I know this is a dream… When will I stop dreaming about you?” Plus, more fake Sookie and Eric kissing. Stupid.
  • Until they actually kiss. Hot but still not enough.
  • Eric chooses a human over himself. Ah yes, I remember soulless Spike sacrificing himself for Buffy, too. Wish this hadn’t already been done on television before.
  • You think anyone in specific burnt that cross in front of Bill’s home? Oh, that’s right… no one cares.
  • Jessica and Hoyt: I said last week that she needed him because she needs someone to tell what she’s been doing to. In this episode she finally told Hoyt that she’d been up to bad things and he implied that he understood and didn’t care, so I’m looking forward to her Hoyt-induced rehab. (If whatever Jason scene has come before hasn’t put me to sleep already, of course.)
  • Bill is uninvited by Jason. [Snoreeee]
  • Crystal is a shapeshifter (?) [Zzzzzzzzz]
  • Russell sleeps with a Talbot look alike, talks the crazy, and kills him. [COMA]

It ends with Sookie and Eric. She chains her up down in the same carousel of dreams which Lafayette got locked up in at the end of S1. He’s doing it to save her from Russell. He’s not giving her to him. They’ll surely try and make us think that by him taking her to Russell it means he’s going to, but… its clear what’s actually going to happen. It was clear even LAST week when I said this regarding Eric’s new mission:

“How will he do it? As Eric says himself, he’s only 1/3 of Russell’s age. I think he’s going to need a little help from his friends! Perhaps a little Sookie blood for Eric to help him drag Russell out into the sunlight, weaken him and kick his ass there.”

Could this show be anymore predictable?!?

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