Category Archives: True Blood

True Blood – 3×12: Bloody Farewell

I knew very early on in season 3 that there was a more than likely chance that this would be my last year as a True Blood viewer. I get asked all the time by both fans and non-fans, why, if I dislike True Blood so much, do I even watch it? I think it upsets the fans more than the haters that I do. It must a defense thing on their part since I’m pretty much actively insulting this magical world which they are so obsessed with on the regular (and that’s fascinating about a show like TB, which like most serials, is uber conducive to obsessive personalities — guilty as charged).

Oh hai, hunk. (Joe Manganiello as Alcide)

My reasons for watching True Blood are many: there are characters I absolutely love (i.e. Jessica, Hoyt, Lafayette), its a serialized show and I blog about serials, my favorite television series of all time was the original vampire drama (i.e Buffy the Vampire Slayer) so I like to compare, Alexander Skarsgard and Joe Manganiello make me weak at the knees, etc. I’ve also mentioned here how I watch the show as a writer because its a fun project in my head pointing out what went wrong in the writing to make a storyline so flawed, as this in turn reveals to me which mistakes not to make in my own writing.

But anyway, it looks like the time has come to say goodbye to True Blood, the show I love to hate. I very seriously opened up my heart and my mind to True Blood every week; you can go back and read any of my reviews to know that I never just went into an episode so prejudiced that I couldn’t enjoy it. In fact, I’m so proud of my continued objectivity in each episode despite its consistent shortcomings, that all in all it was as important for me to watch TB this year as it was to watch Mad Men or LOST. Most weeks may not have been exciting enough to truly entertain me, but there were a couple of very good episodes, with the highlight being “9 Crimes” 3×04. (I’m also still a big fan of Russell’s live television broadcast at the end of “Everything is Broken” 3×09). Nonetheless, fuck this show. It just sucks. I can’t deal.

So without further ado, here is my final review for HBO’s True Blood:

Jason Stackhouse+Emaciated Crystal Meth Head vs. Killer Hicks?

If I’m saving the best for last, I think its only fitting I start the worst for first. WHOA was this a fucking mistake or what?!? As the episodes went on and on I couldn’t believe this entire storyline. I’ve never ever EVER been so bored watching a “conflict” unfold in my life. It was like watching paint dry — without the fun fumes or pretty colors. Let’s recap what happened here:

  • Jason flips out over killing an innocent Eggs and proceeding to cover it up
  • He starts hallucinating out of guilt, suddenly decides that becoming a cop will absolve him of his sins (and actually does magically cease to feel guilty!)
  • He Meets an inbred redneck anorexic rocks-for-brains crystal meth dealing Werepanther (hahaha) whom he falls in love at first sight with through no understandable reason which I could surmise.
  • For some reason involving the Meth which I’m still fuzzy about, her rapist family tries to kill her… or him… or both of them, unsuccessfully.
  • Finally something about her little community of Werepanthers and V sales goes down (it wasn’t crystal meth afterall??) where the DEA gets involved and goes to raid them except Jason helps them all pretty much get away. Did I even get that right?

My lack of interest in this was so intense I can’t even recall the events and I have serious trouble believing that anyone watching this show was sitting at the edge of their seat waiting to see what would happen here. Needless to say, this could have been a story about Weresquirrels smuggling magical acorns through the Lousiana swamps and Jason’s dreams of becoming a Park Ranger saving them from extinction and it wouldn’t A) make a damn bit of difference, B) surprise me. 

Sam vs. Kill Tommy

Sam has been one of my absolute favorite characters since the beginning, and that’s saying a lot considering how much I dislike the show because without him I wouldn’t have been able to get through season 1. As bored as I was with his storyline this season, I can at least say that they kept Sam consistent in his character, which I continue to enjoy. Why? He’s a good person but a boring person. He’s intelligent and self-made where everyone else is just a southern hick with no ambitions or education. He cares about everyone in his community and then-some. He’s lonely when he should have every woman at his feet, except no one in Bon Temps is smart enough to see it. He’s hot. He doesn’t exploit his supernatural gift or let it define him. The idea of having sweet, lonely, heart-of-gold Sam seek out his birth family this season was a great idea that went horribly wrong, however. All we ended up getting were more stupid hicks to surround Sam with: the last thing we wanted to see.

  • Seeks out his parents
  • Finds out that they are shapeshifters too
  • Finds out that they are broke and alcoholic
  • Gets stalked by them in an attempt to extort money from him
  • Finds out that they are “using” his brother, Tommy’s, gift to make money in dog fighting rings
  • Takes Tommy in, kicks his parents out
  • Finds out that Tommy is (no surprise here) as disgusting of a human being as the people who raised him — and annoying as hell to boot!
  • Kicks Tommy out
  • Gets robbed by him
  • Shoots him (or something…)

Yeah… either the bullet never hit Tommy, it hit him but only wounded him, or it killed him. Do any of these possibilities make you want to watch the show next year? I really want to understand how events like this could ever be enough to make people want to come back for more. The brother was a moron that no one wanted to see again — good riddance! And if he is dead then what? Sam is going to be next season’s Jason Stackhouse? The redundancy and lack of creativity here never ceases to amaze.

Lafayette+Jesus vs Killer V

Unlike Sam, Lafayette became one of my favorite characters later on in the series. I can’t be sure if his character actually changed or if he just grew on me but, nonetheless, I became a fan in season 2. I was oh so very happy to see the writers give him a legitimately decent love interest this season in Jesus. What with the disaster of Jason’s designated significant other, Jesus was a blessing. He was funny, he wore his heart on his sleeve, he made tortured but strong Lafayette smile, he took care of him. In the end, however, we didn’t get much more with them than we had already gotten mid season but I’m more okay with that an empty storyline that’ll never change anything or mean anything at all. Here’s what was up with them:

  • They meet at Lafayette’s mother’s psychiatric institution
  • Jesus makes a little personal call and shows up at Merlotte’s to ask Lafayette out
  • They have instant chemistry which puts a smile on everyone’s face
  • They sleep together, they begin to fall in love
  • They do some V and trip out
  • Lafayette can’t stop hallucinating creepy things and begins to lose his mind
  • He discovers that Jesus is a witch who reveals that the hallucinations are a gift which he’ll help Lafayette use and control

I’ll take what I can get. So long as they don’t kill either one of them off I’m actually very happy. It gets really old when they don’t ever cut the most decent characters a break on a series, and they’ve clearly cut Lafayette one this season so I’ll give it one thumb up for effort and good casting.

Terry/Arlene vs Killer Baby

I enjoy Arlene and you can’t help but want to hug Terry. Their story this year was also quite touching since we saw the two find in each other what they most needed: a family. Here, again, we have two very tortured characters finding a little joy. Unfortunately the child they are expecting is not Terry’s but Renee’s which is a little creepy but not creepy enough since we only saw evil Renee for one episode and then he died. Since I remember Renee being pretty cool its hard for me to feel freaked out like Arlene is. Also… its a freaking baby, dude. Not a clone. All in all:

  • Arlene begins to give Terry a chance
  • Terry begins to open himself up and react warmly towards Arlene’s affections
  • Terry falls madly in love, and Arlene loves him too
  • Arlene discovers she’s pregnant but that its Renee’s and lies to Terry about it
  • Arlene decides she doesn’t want the baby
  • A wiccan waitress from work (say that three times fast!) gives her some magical tea which will decide whether the baby lives or dies
  • Arlene bleeds out the next day, thinking the tea has spoken and she’s miscarried, but its a false alarm
  • Terry is officially the happiest man in the world, Arlene is still nervous

Another “pretty low-conflict yet somehow simultaneously unresolved” storyline. I can’t believe even the good characters get shafted with weak plots. Blahhhh.

Jessica+Hoyt vs. Killer Obese Southern Mother

Swoon. I’ve got a crush on Hoyt in that be-my-boyfriend-not-my-lover way. Jessica is so adorable, she’s the True Blood equivalent of Harmony from Buffy and just as enjoyable. I believe their love more than anyone else’s on this show. In fact I don’t really think anyone else on this show is in love except Lafayette and Jesus. Perhaps Eric with Sookie but not the other way around. And certainly Terry with Arlene but also, unfortunately, not equally reciprocated. The interesting thing about this couple this season is that they were pretty much the only two that started off with a problem, and the season was used to resolve it:

  • Jessica kills an innocent trucker out of hunger
  • The guilt for her uncontrollable evilness causes her to break up with Hoyt
  • Hoyt doesn’t understand anything and is heartbroken
  • Jessica’s dead trucker disappears — later revealed to be stolen by Franklin
  • Hoyt fights with his mother yet again over Jessica and she sets him up with Southern Sunshine, Summer
  • Jessica gets a job at Merlotte’s and continues to feed on humans
  • Jessica learns how to fight better with the help of Bill
  • Hoyt dates Summer to get over Jessica who he sees every time he walks into Merlotte’s
  • The two realize they are madly in love and get back together
  • Jessica confesses what she’s done and that she will continue to feed on human blood… so Hoyt offers his own blood!
  • Hoyt buys a house for the two to live in, which makes them both very happy!
  • Hoyt’s mother buys a gun…

A lot went on in this mini-drama. Plenty of ups and downs; highs and lows. The way it should be! Overall the best-told story this season, in my humble opinion.

Tara vs. Kill Yourself

I was sure Tara would have to die this season, as you may recall. If not because they planned it that way, then because her character had turned into such an incredible steaming pile of shit that there was no way they could continue using her. The damage was done. As the season drew to a close I became even more convinced that she would meet her demise as they made absolutely no attempt in bettering her already miserable situation. In the finale, the writers made it very obvious that she saying goodbye to everyone. But wait was Tara going to kill herself? Suicide is the ultimate cop out! Plus she already tried that this season! There’s no way they are going to have a character go out with such little dignity, right? She cut her hair off, though. A friend of mine mentioned that Luke Wilson’s character did the same thing in The Royal Tannenbaums before he attempted to commit suicide… apparently its a common practice. If so I think its simply a red herring. If I cared more about her survival I’d have more to say but I don’t. In short (ahem, very short), this was Tara’s story this season:

  • She tries to kill herself after Eggs dies and, unfortunately, she fails
  • Lafayette tells her she’s an idiot, and she gets over it
  • She has sex with a man named Franklin
  • Franklin is a vampire who becomes obsessed with her, rapes her, kidnaps her, and attempts to turn her into a vampire
  • She escapes from him but he finds her anyway
  • Jason kills him
  • She finds out the truth about Eggs’ death and it appears to bring her some peace
  • She fucks Sam and learns he’s also a supernatural which upsets her
  • She finds out her mother is sleeping with a married Reverend
  • She cuts all her hair off and says goodbye to everyone she knows and drives off

Yawnnnnnnnn. Seriously, just throw yourself into the river. It’s fine. I’ll forgive you.

Sookie/Bill /Eric vs. Killer Russell

The meat and potatoes of the show right? Pfffft, as if. If I were to make a pie graph dividing the season into each of the storylines mentioned in these sections, the Sookie/Bill/Eric/Russell drama would only take up about 30% while the others would be around 10-12%. It might sound like a significant difference to you but when your main characters only take up 1/4 of the screen-time they become just as disposable as any other. I enjoy Eric and Pam, and Russell was kind of fun at times, but the rest of the pack was embarrassing. Talbot and Franklin? WTF?? And of course you know how I feel about that moron Bill. Sookie is only salvaged by the fact that Anna Paquin is a good actress but aside from that I’m done with these people. The final recap:

  • Sookie hesitates at Bill’s marriage proposal, but before you can say “I bloody do” he’s been kidnapped by werewolves
  • He is taken to King Russell’s mansion where he’s given an ultimatum to join Russell or watch Sookie die (still don’t see how this is a unique threat but whatever)
  • Bill accepts the bribe
  • Sookie looks for him like a lunatic, until he tells her to piss off, and even then she continues to look
  • She meets Alcide at some point: a man kinder, smarter, and hotter than, Bill. (Okay really, why would they keep Bill around after this?)
  • Bill senses that Sookie is in danger, he goes to find her, but she defends herself with some magic light
  • She’s captured by Russell’s crew and Bill allows them to do so
  • She escapes with Tara and Alcide and an injured Bill
  • Bill drinks her blood and almost kills her (he can stand out in the light for 10 more seconds than usual too, big woop)
  • They break up because attempted murder is high on the list of reasons to do so
  • Eric kills Talbot, and in a fit of rage, Russell kills an anchorman on national TV to fuck with the AVL’s attempts at Human/Vampire peace (which really had nothing to do with the season anyway) in retaliation
  • Bill and Sookie get back together for the 3423948 time and we find out she’s a “fucking fairy”
  • Eric devises a plan to kill Russell using Sookie’s blood, Bill adhears — it works
  • Bill turns on Eric and attempts to kill him but fails epically as Eric survives and returns to reveal to Sookie that Bill was recruited to trap and exploit her from the beginning
  • She kicks them both out of her house forever and joins her Fairy Godmother
  • Bill attempts to fight and kill Queen Sophie Anne…

First of all, you should have seen my frustration at the absurdity of the episode at this point in the finale, announcing: “WHAT?? Cement doesn’t dry instantly! Is he kidding?!? Is Bill mentally challenged?” I’m still so confused as to how this man could be so stupid. The simple fact that they don’t even bother “explaining” how Eric survived is an admission of Bill’s utterly hysterical and astonishing lack of brain power. The only truly cool part of the whole episode was Bill turning on Eric, but once I saw how he did so, it even ruined that, big surprise. And to top it all off I still have no clue what’s so great about Sookie’s blood. Seriously. Didn’t the entire season prove that her blood is almost useless and the only power she’s got is some repellent light? Sigh.

And did you see the “Alan Ball Thank You” at the end of the episode? That was the smartest thing I saw the entire hour. Alan Ball must wake up every morning thanking his lucky stars that more people care about sex and blood and cheesy dialogue than the ability to use their brains and imaginations. Good call, Alan ball. Your fans deserved that.

Good luck to you all who venture forth in your True Blood fandom. I wish you the best and hope that you get a chance to catch some of the actually decent quality series out on TV right now, too. Personally, I’m losing braincells and there’s nothing more that I can get from the series to make it worth it. See you around! Long live Alcide!

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True Blood – 3×11: Sunshine of my life

It’s almost over. The end of the season for True Blood and the beginning of Boardwalk Empire and Dexter. Thank you, September.

Oh no! Sookie's fallen down the well... again. What now?!

It’s taken me a few days to get to this review as I didn’t actually watch the episode until last night. With this whole moving thing, I’m slacking in a big way. So finally, I plop down on my new couch, in my new place, with a mug of tea, in my PJs, lights off. You ever get to the movies so early that by the time the lights go down you have to turn to your friend and ask “Wait, what are we watching again?” Some variation of that is what happened when I pressed play and Bill stormed on to the screen belting that same old “Sook-eh! Sook-eh! Where is Sook-eh?“.

“Oh… yeah… it’s just True Blood. Sigh.”

Bill looking for missing Sookie on this show is the equivalent of Lassie finding out that Timmy is down the well, except in comparison Lassie makes border collies look cooler than vampires. Yawwwwwn.

Before I get to the bullets, I just had to recap this bit of dialogue between Jason and Trashy Hungry Hoe. It’s just too bad to be true:

Jason: It’s like a werewolf. Except… a panther?
Hoe: Yes.  A werepanther… I told you, I had secrets. You said you didn’t care… I thought you’d understand. I thought you’d be a man.
Jason: I am a man. I was ready to sign up for a meth dealer’s daughter.
Hoe: …Oh poor you, all I gotta do is marry my half-brother and let him breed me until I’m old or dead.
Jason: Uh, I gotta go… look for Sookie.

Hahahahaha. Okay, bullets!

  • Who was the bitch that “saved” Sookie down in the Fangtasia basement? One moment Bill is getting silver sprayed in his face and the door is locked. The next, some stripper that looks just like Lisa Nova is unlocking her chains? I missed the leap there.
  • Lafayette is starting to bad trip from all the V he’s done. Is that right? I think Jason did a lot more V in season 1 and this didn’t happen to him so maybe its something else. Don’t feel like trying to figure it out right now. Clearly, neither does Lafayette, which upsets Jesus.
  • Jessica and Hoyt. Reunited and it feels so good! So so soooo good. Here’s why I love these two, together and separately. Jessica tells him the straight up truth, not just about what she’s done but about her true desires, good or bad: drinking human blood. Hoyt in turn doesn’t freak out and have to “think about this” and prolong the bullshit. They love each other, fuck it. When Hoyt offers up his blood they also don’t go through the whole “no, I can’t let you do that for me” little courtesies that just waste precious television time. Jessica doesn’t say a word. She looks at him a bit perplexed, and then with bloodlust in her eyes, goes in for it. I personally find this hotter than any sex scene between Sookie and Bill ever.
  • Eric and Russell’s encounter was a bit odd. Why wouldn’t Russell kill Eric the moment he sensed him standing there? Why even allow him to speak in the first place? It was painfully anti-climactic to see Eric having to offer a gift to Russell after talking about the way his family was slaughtered… even if it was all a trick (?)
  • God, please tell me who cares about some random jock claiming Jason’s football record at Bon Temps High? Is this The O.C.? Friday Night Lights? They spent a good 7+ minutes on this story and the dumbass girlfriend on the sidelines bitching and whining… what in the hell does this have anything to do with a show about vampires and all the other much more important characters? Because the jock is on V? It’s so frustrating!
  • Tara. I still hate her voice and her bug eyes when she overacts, but I’ll admit the few times when she’s good she’s pretty okay. Particularly when she’s not sitting around feeling sorry for herself or screaming like a lunatic. Being that she did neither in this episode, I kind of enjoyed her. Particularly her conversation with Andy at Merlotte’s and later her conversation with Sam. She actually spoke like a normal human being and I hope this to mean that she’s letting go of all her hang-ups. Andy’s apology and confession that Eggs was innocent and turning himself in may have had something to do with it.
  • Sam really flipped his shit! WHOA! Calling Terry a “shell shocked mother fucker” actually stung me. I’ve got such a long time crush on this guy, I can’t let it go.
  • I liked Sookie when she was talking about going back to college and being a rich real estate agent. Anna Paquin is a very good actress, and she’s cute and has a wide range in expressing her emotions, but the redundant situations that True Blood puts her in really limits her. Especially if all she ever does is run, scream, cry, and act like a little a chihuahua with a pitbull complex while some big bad monster is in her face…
  • Arlene tries abortion via… tea? For some reason I didn’t mind this story as much as I thought I would. Probably because the wiccan waitress isn’t as annoying as I suspected she may become, and because Arlene is such a good but funny character. I always wish her the best. While I think this whole “murderous baby” thing is so predictable and silly, I guess considering what she’s been through I can try to understand. Looks like baby Rene is there to stay, though!
  • Tara and Sam have we-are-so-fucked-up-that-we’re-the-same-sex… again. Someone should make a montage of all the times when True Blood has done the talking-in-one-room-cut-to-fucking-and-moaning-in-another-room. It could be a five minute long video. Also was that really a bomb that baby brother was triggering in Sam’s trailer? What?!?!? He’s going to blow them up because he got kicked out? How does that even make sense? I know he’s always been a MORON but we’re leaping to murderer here and… you know what, I’m just going to shut up. Ugh.
  • Breezing right through Hungry Hoe and Jason’s plan to raid some crystal meth lab and save some people we don’t know or care about… if you understood what that was all about, please don’t bother explaining. I don’t care.

So the episode ends in Eric’s plan to weaken Russell which I pretty much figured out three episodes ago when the AVP asked Eric to kill him: Eric would never give up Sookie, so he’d just use her blood on himself to somehow get an advantage on Russell. Here’s where I’m confused though… how did Eric know that Russell would ask Eric to drink the blood first?! Plotholes? Reaching? I think so. Anyway… so Eric does and then he pretends that he’s not burning up at all when he’s actually only burning up a little because the stupid fairy blood wears off after about five seconds which is so POINTLESS to exist in this whole mythology in the first place. Eric’s plan is to kill himself, really? I know he’s ready to die if he has to, but he must have set up some hope for himself waiting in the wings… Obviously he’s not actually going to die, but I hope its not just some random last minute idea that saves him. He MUST have something up his sleeve. Eric isn’t stupid, he wouldn’t just throw himself to the wolves.

S1 Bill was well done but not dead (HBO)

Wait, I’m going back to Godric now: didn’t he burn up faster because he was so much older? Will Russell burn up before Eric does for this reason? Yeah, Godric turned to ash istantly where as season 1 Bill (who is only a couple of hundred years old) took a long long time to begin to burn away, and in the end came back to life just by being buried underground overnight (the first huge cop out of the show!!!). So if Eric is somewhere in between Godric and Bill, but Russell is closer to Godric’s age, then that could be where Eric’s salvation lies. No?

Oh and Sookie is bleeding out inside Fangtasia but Pam won’t help Bill feed her. Oh noooooooo! [insert sarcastic tone here] She’s going to die! What ever will we do? I’m so scared. GASP!

Four more days until the season finale. Mom!!! Are we there yet?!?!?!

True Blood – 3×10: “Blah Blah Vampire Emergency Blah…” Indeed.

This week I’m blogging True Blood first simply because there is so little to say that I might as well say it now and say it quickly.

What. A. Train. Wreck. As a brilliant yet eccentric man, who told a different kind of “Southern Gothic” story once referenced:

“It is a tale. Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing.”

(Actually, that’s Shakespeare’s Macbeth but William Faulkner made it sound cooler.) From the second the episode started I knew already, and told my friend, this was going to be baaaaaad. I believe more and more everyday what I read in all the screenwriting guides, interviews, books, and blogs piling up in my bedroom and RSS feed: if the opening scene sucks, the rest is probably going to suck, too. Sure enough… Opening line:

Sookie: “I’m a fairy? How fuckin’ lame!”

Bon Temps stupidity diagnosis: It was all that pixie dust (Disney)

First off all, that has to be one of the most epically ridiculous ways to reveal a major plot point in the history of television. Did any of you hardcore fans feel let down or even insulted at how they did this? I imagine that if I gave a fuck about the show I’d be livid. In fact it was so shocking that it felt out of context — like the return from a commercial break on General Hospital (nothing against that show by the way, just saying). This made me go back to the end of last week’s episode because I thought perhaps they had said it then but I had missed it. Alas, no.

And I yet again have to bring up the absurd over-usage of the word “fuck(ing)” to make everything that’s not funny OR shocking appear to be so. STOP IT. WRITE SOMETHING GOOD AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO USE IT. TRY IT.

Continuing on the snooze-fest of the opener:  the lack of chemistry between Sookie and Bill when they have to actually communicate verbally is incredible. Compare it to a scene between Sookie and Eric simply greeting each other and the proof is in the gooky dead vampire pudding. That monologue about loving her mind and heart and soul… like, really? Not that he didn’t mean it, because I know he loves her, but why anyone thinks these two are uniquely romantic is beyond me. Why the writers continue to use such hokey lines and confessions which have been said over and over since the beginning of fictional romance is astonishing. This is HBO! We learn nothing about the actual fairies except that they “rape people” and then, the last line before we [finally] cut to the the best part of every episode was Bill’s supposedly surprise announcement that the faeries think vampires are going to kill them all. Yeah, didn’t Claudine, the Fairy Godmomma, pretty much say this THREE episode’s ago when we first met her?? Not exactly a cliffhanging revelation, Bill!

Tinkerbell, redux (HBO)

As for the rest of the episode, I’m sorry I just couldn’t handle it. I was going in and out of consciousness from sheer boredom and today I refuse to do anything more than fast forward through a few scenes before writing this. So we’re back to bullet points this week. I’d like to point out there hasn’t yet been TWO continuously good episodes of True Blood this season.

  • Sam Merlotte decides to channel James “Sawyer” Ford and (1) con people, (2) do it with a woman, (3) get conned himself by that woman, (4) accidentally shoot the wrong person, and (5) walk around shirtless.
  • Almost nothing on Vampire politics and the AVL except one amazingly relaxed newscast referencing Russell’s on-camera spine-tingling extravaganza and Nan saying WOOPS.
  • Jason and Tara make out? WHAT???? Hahahahaha. What was that kissing even for? These two haven’t been on screen together since the first episode of the season! Why? Why would anyone watching care about them kissing? I swear this is painful to even think about. Also, Jason hasn’t thought of or even mentioned Eggs or what he did in SEVEN episodes… because he’s a superficial and vapid sonofabitch. As soon as he got to fucking Hungry Blonde Hoe it was Eggs-Who. This goes for both Jason and the writers: You can’t just forget things happened and bring them back and expect people to care again, particularly when no one cared in the first place since you are so void of any significant or lasting emotion.
  • P.S. Note to Tara: He really isn’t pretending that he’s too dumb to know better. Believe me. Well, then again look who I’m talking to. I guess you’ve got a different standard.
  • Eric writes out his last will and testament and gives everything to Pam. We wasted an entire episode on Eric announcing that he’s going to die in 54629 different (yet still not unique) ways when that’s obviously not going to happen. At least Alexander Skarsgard has the gift of making a a mediocre line somewhat enjoyable:
  • Eric (to stripper): “I promised you a job and good sex. That’s all!”

  • Ewwwwwww! Sam’s little brother is such a creeper with Jessica! He’s like a 12 year old perv. “Don’t cover ’em up. [Your fangs] are fuckin’ hot.” GAG! That piece of garbage attacked Hoyt! As Sam put it:
  • “It’s not respect when your employees think you’re a psychopath… You’re an idiot.”

  • I still think the actress who plays Hoyt’s new girlfriend, Summer, is very funny. Disposable character (who isn’t) but a good actress:
  • “I can tell you’re a sexual person Hoyt Thortenberry. And if that’s what it takes well then…”

  • Jesus is… “The Shaman in the Sunday Hat”. I’m a little confused at how he’s all about trying the V suddenly, when we saw him flip out on Lafayette when he discovered that he dealt the stuff but I guess I can see how someone would be more upset if you sold drugs than if you did them…? I guess. The Virgen de Guadalupe doing the macarena was LOL worthy but the rest of that acid trip — WTF? I got dizzy, then I fell asleep. It was like a really bad Inception parody: shared consciousness fail.
  • I’m glad Arlene told told Terry about the baby in this episode. It would have been dragged out too long if she kept hiding it from him and trying to abort it behind her back, so I can say that I’m surprised that they didn’t fuck that up as they tend to do so often with other storylines on True Blood. 1 out of 16 ain’t bad.
  • How did Sookie have no reaction to Tara’s revelation that Bill didn’t lift a finger to save her from Franklin back at Russell’s mansion? HELLO. There wasn’t even a flinch of guilt. A normal person would feel like shit and apologize on their behalf if their best friend told them this, wouldn’t they? Sookie only seemed… sympathetic.
  • I know this is a dream… When will I stop dreaming about you?” Plus, more fake Sookie and Eric kissing. Stupid.
  • Until they actually kiss. Hot but still not enough.
  • Eric chooses a human over himself. Ah yes, I remember soulless Spike sacrificing himself for Buffy, too. Wish this hadn’t already been done on television before.
  • You think anyone in specific burnt that cross in front of Bill’s home? Oh, that’s right… no one cares.
  • Jessica and Hoyt: I said last week that she needed him because she needs someone to tell what she’s been doing to. In this episode she finally told Hoyt that she’d been up to bad things and he implied that he understood and didn’t care, so I’m looking forward to her Hoyt-induced rehab. (If whatever Jason scene has come before hasn’t put me to sleep already, of course.)
  • Bill is uninvited by Jason. [Snoreeee]
  • Crystal is a shapeshifter (?) [Zzzzzzzzz]
  • Russell sleeps with a Talbot look alike, talks the crazy, and kills him. [COMA]

It ends with Sookie and Eric. She chains her up down in the same carousel of dreams which Lafayette got locked up in at the end of S1. He’s doing it to save her from Russell. He’s not giving her to him. They’ll surely try and make us think that by him taking her to Russell it means he’s going to, but… its clear what’s actually going to happen. It was clear even LAST week when I said this regarding Eric’s new mission:

“How will he do it? As Eric says himself, he’s only 1/3 of Russell’s age. I think he’s going to need a little help from his friends! Perhaps a little Sookie blood for Eric to help him drag Russell out into the sunlight, weaken him and kick his ass there.”

Could this show be anymore predictable?!?

True Blood – 3×09: The True Face…

If you follow my Mad Men reviews you may have read that I did not watch this week’s True Blood in the privacy of my own home but at the local “True Blood Junkie Bar” in the East Village (NYC) amist many-a hardcore fan. I mean these people were intense. Clapping and hooting just for the HBO guy announcing the episode’s commencement. You can imagine the extensive eye-rolling and not-so-discreet commentary coming from my end of the bar (i.e. “Okay, really?? It’s not that serious.“) For about the first 35 minutes of the episode I was paying more attention to the contents of my $3 Heineken than the contents on-screen. I couldn’t even begin to tell you what happened between Jason and that white-trash-hoe-bag he’s been rolling with. Fuck that. If it wasn’t for the amazing Jessica/Hoyt as well as Lafayette/Jesus action that we got from the get-go, it’s possible I would have chugged and left.

"Everything ends, even the immortal." (HBO)

Then, suddenly, those Jessica/Hoyt and Lafayette/Jesus scenes began to inter-cut with the Fangtasia storyline involving Eric, Pam, and the American Vampire League representitive (whose name escapes me at the moment). Just like that — with the exception of Bill crossing over into Fairyland and Jason just… existing — the episode got good… like real good. So good that I watched the end again just now and laughed and gasped all the way over here to WordPress. Let’s totally discuss this one! Only three episodes left, funny how much nothing can happen before you finally get to the juicy stuff at the end, eh? No bullet points this time. I’m giving it a legit post.

Jessica and Hoyt

They struck gold with these two actors playing them, like fah realz yo. I can’t believe I’m going to say this about any character on this show but, there’s just something really honest about their relationship, and better yet, their break-up! Mind you, they dated for a week. Literally. But in their case I’m willing to suspend my disbelief a bit and say that shit like that happens. People fall in love and quickly realize the obstacles in their path and end it before its really begun… all the time. Right? Anyway, that scene at Merlotte’s where the two try to be amicable while Hoyt is on his date and Jessica gets snippy with him only to realize she’s wrong and then becomes adorably apologetic… absolutely charming. Of course, FAIL when the fangs come out. That just made her even more vulnerable and relateable somehow — I completely forgot she was killing people every other night until after the episode ended. We all know that feeling of trying to ‘keep it cool’ and having to hide our intense feelings, especially in front of someone we’re interested in (Hoyt) or, worse, someone we resent (Summer). Unfortunately for Jessica, the vampire baby, controlling all her new-fanged emotions isn’t so easy. Later, when Summer steps away to the bathroom and Jessica sits with Hoyt, she honestly tries to play the ‘Just Friends’ card and kind of does a good job at it too, until Hoyt admits that he hates Summer and that it just kept him busy enough so he didn’t have to think about Jessica all day. And then they both laugh (: I hope he takes her back so she can finally open up to someone about her “killer nights” and regain some control. She’s so alone the poor thing.

Lafayette and Jesus

Despite the lack of conflict, for now I’m just happy watching these two fall so in love with each other. Finally my little Lafayette got what I’ve always thought he deserved. Jesus in that cheesy flower robe and Lafayette kissing his tattoo. The two laying bed together. Lafayette’s mother, Ruby Jean, seeing his mask finally come off, all because of that Puerto Rican nurse of hers. Her reaction was classic:

“Maybe God does love fags.”

I know, I’m being such a mushy girl about this! Sorry. Well, now for the bad news: from a writer’s perspective its making me really scared to see the two so happy because bliss like this never lasts. Not on film, and certainly not in Bon Temps. I feel like one of them might die this season simply because they have both opened up so completely to one another that only a very shocking and sudden external conflict could bring them enough trouble to keep it interesting, and what better external conflict in that Louisiana town than some vampire killings, eh? They’re just too happy.

Jason and Stupid Hungry Hoe

[Please delete this from your memory. Here’s some help: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymSEibHKOgo#t=22s]

Sookie and Bill

Bill and Sookie in 'Psycho VI' (HBO)

The most minor main characters in HBO history. They fuck, they shower, they fuck, they hide dead bodies, they dream about creepy fairy tales fantasy worlds, who cares? Sookie learns that her father had a “sixth sense” as per old newspaper clippings and, later, that her cousin’s son has got the same telepathic gift. So it runs in the family, big surprise there, blah blahblah. Bill talks to that magical dream woman: Clementine (?). Nothing more for them.

Just want to clarify something that I don’t think I’ve said yet: We are all in agreement that the reason why Bill isn’t burning up in the light is because he’s drank so much of Sookie’s blood and that it has the magical quality to protect vampires from sunlight, right? This, therefore, being the the reason why Russell and Eric and all these other vampire freaks are so obsessed with her… they want the ultimate power: to kill and live without restriction, without weakness. Well, Bill claims to know what she is, so lets see if either one of us got it right. Fairy with magical vamp-SPF blood? Yes.

Arlene and Terry

No surprise here considering that I actually broke down what would happen with Arlene and the pregnancy last week: She freaks out that her baby has “killer blood” and decides to abort it. Still confused as to why she says that when the baby is born Terry will be “blown to smithereens“? Is that suppose to be some metaphor for her being a “time bomb”? If so it’s kind of stupid. Either way I’m going to lose mad respect for her if she does this. Does she really think that being a serial killer is inherited? I swear, these hicks sometimes…

Tara and the (brief) return of Franklin

I actually kind of felt bad for her at that rape survival group, but it wasn’t so much Tara that got to me, it was the story that the weirdo new Merlotte’s waitress, Holly, told about her inability to trust people after what happened to her. Tara’s crying scene wasn’t full of screaming and hysterics for once, so the silent and lonely tears that came down her face gave her character a little more dignity than the usual show she puts on. Also, her happiness for Lafayette and Jesus seemed very genuine and I hope it means that she can heal instead of throwing that endless pity party for herself.

Then there was Franklin who had his brains splattered all over Russell’s linens last we heard (as per Talbot last week), yet somehow he survived? Of course they’ll never explain how he survived without anyone at the mansion knowing about it for days. Dumb. For a moment there I thought he would actually kill Tara considering how she seemed to have almost come to peace with things throughout the episode. That’s so typical of a character right before they kill them off… but alas. Also, I really wish it had been Sam who had shot and killed Franklin and not re-re-Jason.

Sam Merlotte

I guess everyone reiterating how much people walk all over him all season finally built up, eh? According to Timmy it was Arlene and everyone else at Merlotte’s. Earlier in the season he was accused of letting his waitresses come in whenever they wanted. but of course its actually Timmy whose walking all over him — and here I thought Sam would finally have a friend. When Sam beat the shit out of Stupid Hungry Hoe’s dad, I was freaking elated. I joined the rest of those fangbanging fans at the bar yelling “Oh shit!” and may have even let out a “hoot”. He beat the man to a bloody pulp and popped a few shirt buttons. Hot!

Eric, Pam, the Vampire Authority and Russell

First things first, even in a J-Lo velour track suit, Pam is the baddest bitch on True Blood. She’s the only character on the show whose Buffy counterpart is not cooler (i.e. Drusilla). Secondly, did anyone else laugh out loud at Russell’s Urn-of-Talbot-Blood? Mind you I was trying to repress that opening scene where Russell crawls around in Talbot-Chunky-Soup but… he actually salvaged it and packed it into a glass urn? Gagggggg!

I’ve been begging for it, you know I have: bring us the social and political ramifications of a world where vampires run free! They’ve failed at actually dealing with the very premise of the show so miserably that I never thought they would actually get back to it having gotten wrapped up in the sex, violence, and pseudo-campiness of it all. Yet here were are with talks of Kings, Queens, Vampire Feds, Authorities, Constitutional Amendments, and live television news broadcasts. What? There’s a vampire world outside of the frequent customers and staff of Merlotte’s?! WHO KNEW!?

I am the true face of vampires! (HBO)

Best choice ever: having Eric tell the Authority the whole truth and them in turn dubbing him as their new 007 mercenary on a covert black ops mission to kill Russel. +++ How will he do it? As Eric says himself, he’s only 1/3 of Russell’s age. I think he’s going to need a little help from his friends! Perhaps a little Sookie blood for Eric to help him drag Russell out into the sunlight, weaken him and kick his ass there. Considering my track record, don’t be surprised if this really goes down in the finale. Shit. SPOILER WARNING?

And now for one of the coolest TV closing monologues ever from, yours truly, the King of Mississippi:

Did I help you decide America? Do NOT turn off the camera!! You’ve seen how quickly I can kill. Ladies and gentleman, my name is Russel Edgington and I’ve been a vampire for nearly 3000 years. Now the American Vampire League wishes to perpetrate the notion that we are just like you and, I suppose, in a few small ways we are: we are narcissists, we can’t leave without getting what we want, no matter what the costs, just like you … Torture and genocide, that’s a small price to pay for your SUVs and your flat screen TVs … Futile, symbols of permanence to quell your quivering, spineless souls. But no, in the end, we are nothing like you. We are [laughs] immortal. Because we drink the true blood. Blood that is living, organic, and human. And that, is the truth the AVL wishes to conceal from you because, lets face it, eating people is a tough sell these days. So they put on their friendly faces to pass their beloved VRA, but make no mistake, MINE IS THE TRUE FACE OF VAMPIRES! Why would we seek equal rights? You… are not… our… equals. We will eat you, after we eat your children! [Smile] Now time for the weather. Tiffany?

Oh yeah… it’s going down, my friends. I’m looking forward Sunday. Equally as much, I’m looking forward to three Sundays from now (when it’s all over).

True Blood – 3×08: A Nip/Tuck Effect?

True Blood is the new Nip/Tuck. Remember that show? It finally got canceled this year right? Who knows… not like anyone watched it to the end or very long past the Carver anyway. Same formula as True Blood, really: extreme sex + extreme violence – any plausibility = ratings! Nip/Tuck was quite good in the beginning, kind of the way True Blood was (yeah, kind of). As the series went on, though, it got more and more ridiculous, but somehow it still managed to get in a few truly touching moments for a while, like towards the end of Season 1 when (SPOILER ALERT) Sean Macnamara fell in love with a dying woman named Megan O’Hara and helped to euthanize her as Elton John’s Rocket Man played in the background.

Excluding any moment on LOST or Buffy or the Season 4 finale of House (Wilson! Amber!) that particular scene sticks out in my mind as one of the most tragic television moments of all time. They were few and far between, but even with all the similarities between the two shows I still can’t think of just ONE moment on True Blood that I, or anyone I know, has ever connected with or been touched by in a similar way. I’ve never felt true elation for a triumph of these characters, and I’ve also never felt that pang of worry or heart-breaking lament for them either. The closest I’ve come to connecting are some “awwww’s” here and there between Jessica and Hoyt, or Lafayette and Jesus. True Blood is an endless string of empty stories with no heart. As for Nip/Tuck, I would go on to become disgusted by the show for its way way waaaaaay over-the-top and repulsive content done purely for shock value which helped to make it lose near any semblance of heart it had left, and to this day I advise people not to watch it as there is no chance of a swift resolution to these unlikeable characters aside from their demise.

Sounding familiar?

Christian Troy as Jason Stackhouse (FX)

This is a result of the slippery-slope of a relatively new monster known as the “Cable Drama”: they can discuss heavier themes, curse, show people having wild and crazy sex, hack each others’ heads off clean, masturbate to horse porn, you name it. But its easy for the writers to get lost in all that freedom, too, and apparently tempting to throw it all into one show just so audiences think you’re daring and different! Sometimes its not whole shows which overuse the privilege just because they can, for example, Debra Morgan on Dexter. Her incessant usage of the word “fuck” makes me cringe near every time she utters it. They are trying to be [fucking] funny with it, and it does [fucking all] but make her sound like a [fucking] retard. (See what I mean?)

Oh yeah, the episode…

I’ll be brief about the analysis-and-review portion of the latest episode of True Blood because I’ve gone on long enough. I know the episode was suppose to be some big deal with all these crazy twists and spins that affect the rest of the season but… meh. Well, it started off on a good foot with the refreshingly mutual break-up of Sookie and Bill which, truth be told, is a rarer occurrence on television than it is in real life. This is totally understandable being that mutual break-ups are low on the conflict scale and pretty damn anti-climactic, however, I enjoyed seeing two people tearfully agree that, despite loving each other, some things just aren’t meant to work out. I guess it was a sense of realism otherwise non-existent amidst the absurdity that is True Blood which I appreciated. But of course, the break up didn’t even last past the episode it took place in, which really lowers the stakes of any conflict moving forward between Sookie and Bill, as if it wasn’t low enough already. It’s like in the real world, you know, those people who always come to you after their on-again/off-again significant other have broken up for the 283472 time and they crying to you about it and promising its the last time. I’m sure they think its the end of the world each and every time, but you’re exhausted from having to pretend you care anymore because you know its all bullshit and all their own fault and this won’t end until one of them (A) dies, or (B) moves away. That’s how I feel watching all these idiots run around in circles most of the time, and that goes beyond Sookie and Bill.

"If I weren't so stupid I'd have fallen in love with someone like you." - Sookie (HBO)

Alright. The moment you were all waiting for: the sex is back! We’ve seen how relatively subdued sex has been in Season 3 in comparison to the disastrous Season 2 orgyfest (not in intensity but in frequency). I’ve welcomed the change, call it a little television abstinence. Well, it made its comeback in a huge way on Sunday night when we were reminded why God invented Premium Cable. Personally, neither Stephen Moyer or gay bunk-ups do it for me, but if Sookie or Eric are involved, the sexiness factor amps up anyone with a heartbeat and half a libido. (Yes, I’m still holding out for the moment when both their worlds collide and my screen melts!) Even the non-sex was hot: Alcide and Sookie. One of the few good lines of the episode is captioned above. There was a promise of a raunchy reunion in that goodbye which I would welcome, gladly.

One act I was not pleased with, however, was Eric’s decision to kill Talbot as vengeance on Russell — particularly if that’s in fact his only plan. If the show really wanted the audience to flip their shit at the killing of Talbot, they wouldn’t have made Russell so annoyed and dismissive of him all along. They should have made the two inseparable and fleshed out their bond, or made Russell as obsessive over Talbot as Talbot was of him. I mean, of course all hell is going to break lose now anyway, but its unjustified and only vaguely reasonable. Who cares about a situation that yesterday appeared to mean next to nothing to Russell? Just another McGuffin as far as I’m concerned. They could have done a lot more with that story, as with most everything else. That being said, I repeat, this better not be the only thing up Eric’s sleeve because it sucks!

Here are some of my usual riddle of bullets from the episode…

  • LOL'ed hard at Bill's post-Tony Manero ensemble (HBO)

    Turns out that, yup, Sookie screamed that blood-curdling scream at the sight of Bill for no real rational reason. Just to scare you into another episode. What a joke!

  • WTF was that 1995 zip-up windbreaker Bill was wearing in the opener all about?
  • Talbot: “Franklin’s brains won’t wash off the bed linens!” Yessss he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s really dead!
  • Arlene is totally freaking about about Rene being the baby’s father. Whatever. I think she’s going to abort out of the fear that the baby will have that “serial killer blood” or some ridiculous and predictable excuse like that.
  • Tara wants to live more than ever = I want to die more than ever.
  • Tommy steps to Hoyt. FAIL.
  • Jessica and Bill’s relationship is actually pretty sweet. I’m all about these platonic male/female relationships, so I at least enjoyed their exchange a bit.
  • How brain-dead would someone have to be to have the following reaction: “OMG Jason and Crystal are sooooooooo awesome and exciting! I love them! What’s going to happen next?!?!? They had sex! How cool!!! They are totally in love. Can’t you see it in their eyes? Jason has to save her, she’s just such an amazing person with so many admirable qualities. Crystal Meth is getting some screen time outside of Breaking Bad? Awesome! People should totally hear more about it!” Honestly, what are the writers smoking when they come up with this crap? My 94 year-old grandmother comes up with better stories about the Lebanese neighbors!
  • Lafayette and Jesus together again? I hope so…
  • What will be the consequences and/or outcome of Jessica’s killing sprees? She tries to fight the urges, but is it Bill’s fault for not caring for her the way a maker should? Then again a maker is suppose to teach to hunt, not teach you how not be a vampire, right?

True Blood – 3×07: Final ‘Authority’

Uh oh. That cannot be good. (HBO)

A much deserved round of applause for last night’s True Blood is in order! I wish I could welcome them back to some kind of awesomeness but, sorry, they’ve never been there. Not to say True Blood has never had a really good episode in the past but, it was way in the past, like Season 1 past. Furthermore, it has never lasted longer than a couple of episodes, so I can’t say that this is a symbol of a radical change to come consisting of unique twists, more intense dramatic build, more internal conflict, and a deeper mythology. What I can say is that Sunday night’s episode, “A New Authority”, skillfully contained and improved on all of the above. That being said, I’d like to start off with some simple ‘Thank You’s’ to the writing staff that I’ve pleaded to all season. Not like they ever read my thoughts on their failures, but I put the energy out there and I’d like to think that they replied…

  • Thank you for the semi-unpredictableness of Tara and Alcide not being the ones to save Sookie from Lorena! Of course they still helped her escape another impending doom at the hands of Cooter and Debbie, but hey, someone had to, and it was done fantastically. Relatively minimal Tara whining and moaning… check! Brooding Alcide realizing that its time to lock his whore of an ex-girlfriend up and shoot her boyfriend… check! Exploding vampire guts… err, check?
  • Thank you for the significantly high lack-of-nudity episode count this season. I can hear the dissenters booing, but I think its a great move… for now. We haven’t had some good old raunchy, sweaty, naked, bloody, tie-me-up-fuck-me-down sex on the show since… Franklin and Tara about four episodes back, which wasn’t even hot because of the parties involved. There was the flashback massacre between Lorena and Bill but, still no nudity. Oh yes, Eric and the Fangtasia stripper chained to the ceiling in 4×01! Now that was a bang up time. Who doesn’t enjoy most of these gorgeous people tearing their clothes off the way they do? But, how about playing hard to get, eh? I’m enjoying the less-sex thing because, aside from giving the conflict time to unravel, by the time we get some again it’ll be like a great romp after a long drought (;
  • Thank you for the minimal “Bleeding Heart” or “Andy-Griffith” Jason Stackhouse storylines. Can we pretty pretty please just pretend none of that ever happened? I’ll even forgive the writers a couple of retcons if they can do that for me. Seeing him between a rock and a hard place, having to make decisions on behalf of his sister while her life is on the line… it finally gave him some substantial external conflict with which to struggle instead of the usual self-induced bullshit. Great! Also, I finally got real laugh out loud Jason-is-dumb joke (!!):

    “I never thought I was smart enough to get depressed but… here I am.” – Jason

  • Thank you for sending the Mickens packing and giving Sam some much-deserved action time — particularly of the shirtless variety. Seeing him care for his brother warms my heart because Sam is such a lonely and forgotten resident of Bon Temps. Sure, everyone “loves” him because he’s Sam Merlotte of “Merlotte’s”, but they forget him as soon as they’ve got their own problems. He doesn’t have a best friend or a girlfriend or even a pet (whatever happened to that dog?). Hopefully, caring for Tommy will add some much-deserved stability and companionship to his life. I don’t think this is the last we’ll see of the Mickens (remember, Momma is a shapeshifter too and who knows what tricks she’s got up her sleeve) but, you tell ’em just the same, Sam:

    “Sorry? Great! Duly noted!” – Sam

  • Thank you for Summer! I know, coming from a Jessica fan this is surprising, but I got such a kick from this adorable little Southern thing who wants to have Hoyt’s babies. (Note, this is exactly what Jessica cannot provide and why she broke up with him.) The actress who plays her did a fantastic job of being just the right amount of adorable and annoying. I don’t want her for Hoyt but can they keep her around? Maybe Jason will take her once that amnesiac hooker dies.

    “I woke up this morning and it hit me. Summer, I said, why play games? And then I decided I was going to declare my feelings for you and let the chips fall where they may. And if you don’t feel the same way about me then that will be your loss. So, here goes… I like you Hoyt. I want to be your girlfriend. And I really want you to taste my biscuits.” – Summer

  • Thank you for finally starting to discuss the issue of Vampire Law and Order, mythology, and origins, with the “authority” argument between Russell and the Magistral in the final scene! After all, I still had no clue who the Magistral really was or who he was taking orders from. In fact, they’ve barely explained the significance of Vampire Queens or Kings. The first I heard of such a thing was in the S3 finale when Bill goes to see Queen Sophie-Anne for help on how to kill Mary Anne. As I’ve said before, I’m still completely in the dark as to how they’ve got ‘sheriffs’ in the mix with ‘royalty’ under the same chain of command structure. Perhaps we’ll finally get some backstory on all that, as well. Who do you think the Authority is? The Magistral talks a lot about ‘blasphemy’ and ‘sin’ and ‘sacrilegious’ acts, so it appears to me he is a Pope-like figure on his own crusade in the name of a vampiric religious-like belief. Just like the Pope, the Magistral only has power over those who give it to him, and King Russell took advantage of this. But what are the repercussions to separating oneself from that authority? It can’t be that easy.
  • He was not expecting WHAT? (HBO)

  • Thank you for the backstory on Sookie and her family! What we learned: No blood type. Born on the dining room table. Her cousin, Halle, knows the secret about what Sookie is, which appears not to have come from the Queen but from her own knowledge as part of the family (Eric has now been made aware). Jason does indeed have a blood type so he seems to be unconnected to whatever supernatural (yet hereditary) powers Sookie possesses. Claudine tells us “it wasn’t the water that killed [her] parents” through Sookie’s dream, which I think we can all agree was more than a dream. What I found more interesting than anything else in that magical coma world, was the sparkling pond water which Sookie drank from Claudine’s chalice and Claudine’s reply that “you’ve had it before“. Is there a life which Sookie does not recall? Is she a reincarnation of someone or something? WAIT, IS THIS THE SAME WATER FROM JACOB’S CAVE ON ‘LOST’?
  • Thank you for saving (and bringing back) Pam! ‘Nuff said.

Would you look at that? Puh-lenty of good things to say! See, I’m not a close-minded hater, after all. But don’t get excited, TB-Lovers, I have not gotten my hopes up for next week just yet and I won’t for a while. It’s better that way though. I enjoy lowering the bar for True Blood, because if I didn’t I’d really go crazy. Here are just a couple of observations and one stupid bit that I’m not so thankful for.

  • Debbie’s revelation that she broke up with Alcide because he wouldn’t give her a baby. Really? Your skank ass wanted a baby? Sounded like quite a bit of a cop out. I understand Alcide for not wanting to bring another werewolf into the world but to go from a supposedly “normal girl” to a werewolf whore over your boyfriend not wanting children is a little far-fetched. Some quotable giggles:

    “It’s that V talking, I know who you are.” – Alcide, to Debbie
    “Alcide, I’ve been listening in and she ain’t exactly misrepresenting herself.” – Sookie

  • Alcide is leaving a trail of dead and wounded vampires in the dust. This is baaaaaad news and its going to catch up with him, literally. There must be some werewolf code about this which is going to fuck him out of any pack-related bond he’s got, and what will he do then? Hopefully he’ll join the Bon Temps family! Or will he sacrifice himself for Russell’s war to come?
  • NO JESSICA. NO TERRY. NO ARLENE. Actually, I’m very okay with this because they’ve gotten plenty of screen-time lately and we needed to delve into the meat and potatoes of the series. I brought up last week how after all the shit that happened (or didn’t happen) to all the supporting characters, the episodes were giving too little importance to Sookie and Bill, our protagonists. So this was a plus.
  • Did the Magic Juice trip Sookie out? (HBO)

  • Did Sookie’s coma world and Claudine’s warnings about vampires change something within her which made her scream the way she did upon seeing Bill? I’m thrown by this but I hope it turns into something more than shock. I’d love to see her mind just flipped and a sudden phobia or hatred for vampires begin to fester inside her. Perhaps it was the Sparkle Water! I mentioned earlier she may have lived a life she’s now forgotten, so is it possible that she’s remembering and that Vampires didn’t play a very positive role in it? Something epic and strange and conflictual like this is just what True Blood needs.

What’s in store next week: Will Eric finally let us in on what he’s been plotting for his vengeance on Russell? Will we find out what in the world Sookie is? Will we discover why Bill didn’t burn up in the sun or why he nearly killed Sookie? Will the newlywed King and Queen, ahem, consummate their marriage? Is Franklin really gone? (After all, he never exploded into goo like Lorena, so now I fear we sadly haven’t seen the last of him.)

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