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True Blood – 3×11: Sunshine of my life

It’s almost over. The end of the season for True Blood and the beginning of Boardwalk Empire and Dexter. Thank you, September.

Oh no! Sookie's fallen down the well... again. What now?!

It’s taken me a few days to get to this review as I didn’t actually watch the episode until last night. With this whole moving thing, I’m slacking in a big way. So finally, I plop down on my new couch, in my new place, with a mug of tea, in my PJs, lights off. You ever get to the movies so early that by the time the lights go down you have to turn to your friend and ask “Wait, what are we watching again?” Some variation of that is what happened when I pressed play and Bill stormed on to the screen belting that same old “Sook-eh! Sook-eh! Where is Sook-eh?“.

“Oh… yeah… it’s just True Blood. Sigh.”

Bill looking for missing Sookie on this show is the equivalent of Lassie finding out that Timmy is down the well, except in comparison Lassie makes border collies look cooler than vampires. Yawwwwwn.

Before I get to the bullets, I just had to recap this bit of dialogue between Jason and Trashy Hungry Hoe. It’s just too bad to be true:

Jason: It’s like a werewolf. Except… a panther?
Hoe: Yes.  A werepanther… I told you, I had secrets. You said you didn’t care… I thought you’d understand. I thought you’d be a man.
Jason: I am a man. I was ready to sign up for a meth dealer’s daughter.
Hoe: …Oh poor you, all I gotta do is marry my half-brother and let him breed me until I’m old or dead.
Jason: Uh, I gotta go… look for Sookie.

Hahahahaha. Okay, bullets!

  • Who was the bitch that “saved” Sookie down in the Fangtasia basement? One moment Bill is getting silver sprayed in his face and the door is locked. The next, some stripper that looks just like Lisa Nova is unlocking her chains? I missed the leap there.
  • Lafayette is starting to bad trip from all the V he’s done. Is that right? I think Jason did a lot more V in season 1 and this didn’t happen to him so maybe its something else. Don’t feel like trying to figure it out right now. Clearly, neither does Lafayette, which upsets Jesus.
  • Jessica and Hoyt. Reunited and it feels so good! So so soooo good. Here’s why I love these two, together and separately. Jessica tells him the straight up truth, not just about what she’s done but about her true desires, good or bad: drinking human blood. Hoyt in turn doesn’t freak out and have to “think about this” and prolong the bullshit. They love each other, fuck it. When Hoyt offers up his blood they also don’t go through the whole “no, I can’t let you do that for me” little courtesies that just waste precious television time. Jessica doesn’t say a word. She looks at him a bit perplexed, and then with bloodlust in her eyes, goes in for it. I personally find this hotter than any sex scene between Sookie and Bill ever.
  • Eric and Russell’s encounter was a bit odd. Why wouldn’t Russell kill Eric the moment he sensed him standing there? Why even allow him to speak in the first place? It was painfully anti-climactic to see Eric having to offer a gift to Russell after talking about the way his family was slaughtered… even if it was all a trick (?)
  • God, please tell me who cares about some random jock claiming Jason’s football record at Bon Temps High? Is this The O.C.? Friday Night Lights? They spent a good 7+ minutes on this story and the dumbass girlfriend on the sidelines bitching and whining… what in the hell does this have anything to do with a show about vampires and all the other much more important characters? Because the jock is on V? It’s so frustrating!
  • Tara. I still hate her voice and her bug eyes when she overacts, but I’ll admit the few times when she’s good she’s pretty okay. Particularly when she’s not sitting around feeling sorry for herself or screaming like a lunatic. Being that she did neither in this episode, I kind of enjoyed her. Particularly her conversation with Andy at Merlotte’s and later her conversation with Sam. She actually spoke like a normal human being and I hope this to mean that she’s letting go of all her hang-ups. Andy’s apology and confession that Eggs was innocent and turning himself in may have had something to do with it.
  • Sam really flipped his shit! WHOA! Calling Terry a “shell shocked mother fucker” actually stung me. I’ve got such a long time crush on this guy, I can’t let it go.
  • I liked Sookie when she was talking about going back to college and being a rich real estate agent. Anna Paquin is a very good actress, and she’s cute and has a wide range in expressing her emotions, but the redundant situations that True Blood puts her in really limits her. Especially if all she ever does is run, scream, cry, and act like a little a chihuahua with a pitbull complex while some big bad monster is in her face…
  • Arlene tries abortion via… tea? For some reason I didn’t mind this story as much as I thought I would. Probably because the wiccan waitress isn’t as annoying as I suspected she may become, and because Arlene is such a good but funny character. I always wish her the best. While I think this whole “murderous baby” thing is so predictable and silly, I guess considering what she’s been through I can try to understand. Looks like baby Rene is there to stay, though!
  • Tara and Sam have we-are-so-fucked-up-that-we’re-the-same-sex… again. Someone should make a montage of all the times when True Blood has done the talking-in-one-room-cut-to-fucking-and-moaning-in-another-room. It could be a five minute long video. Also was that really a bomb that baby brother was triggering in Sam’s trailer? What?!?!? He’s going to blow them up because he got kicked out? How does that even make sense? I know he’s always been a MORON but we’re leaping to murderer here and… you know what, I’m just going to shut up. Ugh.
  • Breezing right through Hungry Hoe and Jason’s plan to raid some crystal meth lab and save some people we don’t know or care about… if you understood what that was all about, please don’t bother explaining. I don’t care.

So the episode ends in Eric’s plan to weaken Russell which I pretty much figured out three episodes ago when the AVP asked Eric to kill him: Eric would never give up Sookie, so he’d just use her blood on himself to somehow get an advantage on Russell. Here’s where I’m confused though… how did Eric know that Russell would ask Eric to drink the blood first?! Plotholes? Reaching? I think so. Anyway… so Eric does and then he pretends that he’s not burning up at all when he’s actually only burning up a little because the stupid fairy blood wears off after about five seconds which is so POINTLESS to exist in this whole mythology in the first place. Eric’s plan is to kill himself, really? I know he’s ready to die if he has to, but he must have set up some hope for himself waiting in the wings… Obviously he’s not actually going to die, but I hope its not just some random last minute idea that saves him. He MUST have something up his sleeve. Eric isn’t stupid, he wouldn’t just throw himself to the wolves.

S1 Bill was well done but not dead (HBO)

Wait, I’m going back to Godric now: didn’t he burn up faster because he was so much older? Will Russell burn up before Eric does for this reason? Yeah, Godric turned to ash istantly where as season 1 Bill (who is only a couple of hundred years old) took a long long time to begin to burn away, and in the end came back to life just by being buried underground overnight (the first huge cop out of the show!!!). So if Eric is somewhere in between Godric and Bill, but Russell is closer to Godric’s age, then that could be where Eric’s salvation lies. No?

Oh and Sookie is bleeding out inside Fangtasia but Pam won’t help Bill feed her. Oh noooooooo! [insert sarcastic tone here] She’s going to die! What ever will we do? I’m so scared. GASP!

Four more days until the season finale. Mom!!! Are we there yet?!?!?!

True Blood – 3×08: A Nip/Tuck Effect?

True Blood is the new Nip/Tuck. Remember that show? It finally got canceled this year right? Who knows… not like anyone watched it to the end or very long past the Carver anyway. Same formula as True Blood, really: extreme sex + extreme violence – any plausibility = ratings! Nip/Tuck was quite good in the beginning, kind of the way True Blood was (yeah, kind of). As the series went on, though, it got more and more ridiculous, but somehow it still managed to get in a few truly touching moments for a while, like towards the end of Season 1 when (SPOILER ALERT) Sean Macnamara fell in love with a dying woman named Megan O’Hara and helped to euthanize her as Elton John’s Rocket Man played in the background.

Excluding any moment on LOST or Buffy or the Season 4 finale of House (Wilson! Amber!) that particular scene sticks out in my mind as one of the most tragic television moments of all time. They were few and far between, but even with all the similarities between the two shows I still can’t think of just ONE moment on True Blood that I, or anyone I know, has ever connected with or been touched by in a similar way. I’ve never felt true elation for a triumph of these characters, and I’ve also never felt that pang of worry or heart-breaking lament for them either. The closest I’ve come to connecting are some “awwww’s” here and there between Jessica and Hoyt, or Lafayette and Jesus. True Blood is an endless string of empty stories with no heart. As for Nip/Tuck, I would go on to become disgusted by the show for its way way waaaaaay over-the-top and repulsive content done purely for shock value which helped to make it lose near any semblance of heart it had left, and to this day I advise people not to watch it as there is no chance of a swift resolution to these unlikeable characters aside from their demise.

Sounding familiar?

Christian Troy as Jason Stackhouse (FX)

This is a result of the slippery-slope of a relatively new monster known as the “Cable Drama”: they can discuss heavier themes, curse, show people having wild and crazy sex, hack each others’ heads off clean, masturbate to horse porn, you name it. But its easy for the writers to get lost in all that freedom, too, and apparently tempting to throw it all into one show just so audiences think you’re daring and different! Sometimes its not whole shows which overuse the privilege just because they can, for example, Debra Morgan on Dexter. Her incessant usage of the word “fuck” makes me cringe near every time she utters it. They are trying to be [fucking] funny with it, and it does [fucking all] but make her sound like a [fucking] retard. (See what I mean?)

Oh yeah, the episode…

I’ll be brief about the analysis-and-review portion of the latest episode of True Blood because I’ve gone on long enough. I know the episode was suppose to be some big deal with all these crazy twists and spins that affect the rest of the season but… meh. Well, it started off on a good foot with the refreshingly mutual break-up of Sookie and Bill which, truth be told, is a rarer occurrence on television than it is in real life. This is totally understandable being that mutual break-ups are low on the conflict scale and pretty damn anti-climactic, however, I enjoyed seeing two people tearfully agree that, despite loving each other, some things just aren’t meant to work out. I guess it was a sense of realism otherwise non-existent amidst the absurdity that is True Blood which I appreciated. But of course, the break up didn’t even last past the episode it took place in, which really lowers the stakes of any conflict moving forward between Sookie and Bill, as if it wasn’t low enough already. It’s like in the real world, you know, those people who always come to you after their on-again/off-again significant other have broken up for the 283472 time and they crying to you about it and promising its the last time. I’m sure they think its the end of the world each and every time, but you’re exhausted from having to pretend you care anymore because you know its all bullshit and all their own fault and this won’t end until one of them (A) dies, or (B) moves away. That’s how I feel watching all these idiots run around in circles most of the time, and that goes beyond Sookie and Bill.

"If I weren't so stupid I'd have fallen in love with someone like you." - Sookie (HBO)

Alright. The moment you were all waiting for: the sex is back! We’ve seen how relatively subdued sex has been in Season 3 in comparison to the disastrous Season 2 orgyfest (not in intensity but in frequency). I’ve welcomed the change, call it a little television abstinence. Well, it made its comeback in a huge way on Sunday night when we were reminded why God invented Premium Cable. Personally, neither Stephen Moyer or gay bunk-ups do it for me, but if Sookie or Eric are involved, the sexiness factor amps up anyone with a heartbeat and half a libido. (Yes, I’m still holding out for the moment when both their worlds collide and my screen melts!) Even the non-sex was hot: Alcide and Sookie. One of the few good lines of the episode is captioned above. There was a promise of a raunchy reunion in that goodbye which I would welcome, gladly.

One act I was not pleased with, however, was Eric’s decision to kill Talbot as vengeance on Russell — particularly if that’s in fact his only plan. If the show really wanted the audience to flip their shit at the killing of Talbot, they wouldn’t have made Russell so annoyed and dismissive of him all along. They should have made the two inseparable and fleshed out their bond, or made Russell as obsessive over Talbot as Talbot was of him. I mean, of course all hell is going to break lose now anyway, but its unjustified and only vaguely reasonable. Who cares about a situation that yesterday appeared to mean next to nothing to Russell? Just another McGuffin as far as I’m concerned. They could have done a lot more with that story, as with most everything else. That being said, I repeat, this better not be the only thing up Eric’s sleeve because it sucks!

Here are some of my usual riddle of bullets from the episode…

  • LOL'ed hard at Bill's post-Tony Manero ensemble (HBO)

    Turns out that, yup, Sookie screamed that blood-curdling scream at the sight of Bill for no real rational reason. Just to scare you into another episode. What a joke!

  • WTF was that 1995 zip-up windbreaker Bill was wearing in the opener all about?
  • Talbot: “Franklin’s brains won’t wash off the bed linens!” Yessss he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s really dead!
  • Arlene is totally freaking about about Rene being the baby’s father. Whatever. I think she’s going to abort out of the fear that the baby will have that “serial killer blood” or some ridiculous and predictable excuse like that.
  • Tara wants to live more than ever = I want to die more than ever.
  • Tommy steps to Hoyt. FAIL.
  • Jessica and Bill’s relationship is actually pretty sweet. I’m all about these platonic male/female relationships, so I at least enjoyed their exchange a bit.
  • How brain-dead would someone have to be to have the following reaction: “OMG Jason and Crystal are sooooooooo awesome and exciting! I love them! What’s going to happen next?!?!? They had sex! How cool!!! They are totally in love. Can’t you see it in their eyes? Jason has to save her, she’s just such an amazing person with so many admirable qualities. Crystal Meth is getting some screen time outside of Breaking Bad? Awesome! People should totally hear more about it!” Honestly, what are the writers smoking when they come up with this crap? My 94 year-old grandmother comes up with better stories about the Lebanese neighbors!
  • Lafayette and Jesus together again? I hope so…
  • What will be the consequences and/or outcome of Jessica’s killing sprees? She tries to fight the urges, but is it Bill’s fault for not caring for her the way a maker should? Then again a maker is suppose to teach to hunt, not teach you how not be a vampire, right?
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